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Informed

You may have heard in the news this week that eToys, the company I work for, and the company without which this website would never have existed, since when I'm not at work I have way too many more interesting things to be doing that creating a website, has run into some serious financial difficulties, and has had to take major steps to restructure their cost structurement. Or something like that.

As a result of this restructurization, they have had to lay off hundreds of people, almost 70% of the entire workforce. About 40% were led out the door on the first day. The remaining 30% of that 70% were asked to hang around for a few months to keep things running. I am part of that 30%, so for at least the next month or two, I'll still be able to feed you the diet statistics and pornography that you so voraciously desire. And without all those other bastards clogging up the bandwidth, we might be able to move into Hardcore Double-Fisting Action MPEG's!! So, there's a bright side after all.

More importantly, for those individuals deeply woven into today's volatile, unpredictable geopolitical econosphere, there are many valuable lessons that can be learned from the trials that eToys current finds itself undergoing.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what they are. My mind is thoroughly otherwise occupied by such other things as playing cards and riding roller coasters.

But I believe if we analyze the situation closely enough, we can find parallels between this situation, and another current crisis familiar to those living here on the west coast, and particularly in California ("Sure, The Weather's Nice, But... Wait, What Was I Gonna Say?") That being, the energy shortage. Residents of the Golden State are shortly to be (if they haven't been already) subjected to massive utility bill hikes due to the electric companies running out of money, which itself was a result of the deregulation of the power companies a half-decade ago.

Once again, though, I don't know what any of those parallels are, because I have no idea what any of that means. I am way too concerned with Iron Chef and teenage girls dressing up in provocative cartoon costumes.

So, do I feel bad about this? That important things in life, many with cautionary lessons to be learned, are happening all around me, and I sit by the wayside, ignorant of all of it, while my friends and colleagues sit around with frowny looks on their faces discussing it all in tones of great consternation? No, not at all. Know why? Because all that stuff is booooring. The only time it really starts to bother me is when these same friends and colleagues start to talk to me about this stuff, because the conversation usually goes something like...

"It's those bastards on Capitol Hill. With their political maneuvering and gerrymandering and filibusterization, they are coercing major financial and industrial sectors into undeliberating the antitrust devaluazation of key socioeconomic genders, and it's the little guy who ends up getting screwed."

"Ummm..."

"Well, I mean, don't you think that by making certain numbers lower, they are in fact encouraging all of the other numbers to go higher? Or at least, fluctuate predictably around the mean average cosine of some other number?"

"I used to not like mayonnaise, but now I think it's pretty good, especially on, like, a turkey or ham sandwich, you know?"

"What?"

"Holy crap, look over there!" [points]

"Where?!" [looks]

"..." [runs away]

So perhaps if I wanted to increase the clout with which I enter into these sorts of social situations, it might behoove me to read a newspaper once in a while. But since the folks I normally like to associate with are usually far more interested in mayonnaise than Capitol Hill, I think I'll just stick to playing Torpedo Joe, thank you very much.

The one lesson I have learned as a result of certain recent news stories is that software engineers are a largely unstable group of people, so when you blow a few hundred of them out the door, a little caution is the order of the day. So as a public service to my remaining eToys colleagues, and anyone else who might find themselves in a similar situation, I give you: "Ben's Fun-Time Guide To Not Getting Shot In The Face With a Shotgun By A Disgruntled Computer Geek":

Has your company recently laid off or fired some nerds? If so, you'll want to run down this helpful checklist. If you answer "yes" to any of these items, you'll probably want to fake an acute stomach infection for a couple of weeks, so you don't get inadvertently shot in the face with a shotgun by a disgruntled computer geek.

Did any of your ex-colleagues:

• Make some offhand comment about, "Well, best be heading to the shooting range, heh heh"?
• Make some offhand comment about, "Well, best be getting my shotgun so I can come back in and shoot you in the face with it, heh heh"?
• Make any other offhand comment ending in, "heh heh"?
• Look really weird?
• Never get laid?
• Pack one of his cardboard boxes with all the leftover condiments from the refrigerator in the lunchroom, and then say, "This'll teach those fuckers not to mess with me"?
• Instead of having lots of Dilbert cartoons all over the place, had Family Circus cartoons all over the place?
• Sincerely enjoy NPR?
• Suddenly start talking about mayonnaise in the middle of complex political discussions?

By following this simple guide, we are confident that you will be able to avoid the inevitable bloodbath that will take place in your office, and will allow you to later stride confidently through the mangled, dismembered corpses of your coworkers, with a sly little grin that says, "Told ya so!" Now if you'll excuse me, I am experience severe, shooting pains through my midsection.