RETURN TO COLUMNS MENU

Topanga

Part II

What the hell is this guy's problem?

What a dick! I mean, it's like 9 PM, it's pitch black and on a winding narrow road in the middle of a quiet little canyon town, and he's tailing me like he's late for a business meeting.

Forget it, buddy, I ain't going one mile an hour faster than this. I just came from a little after-work party, and had a few beers. Plus, I just got a ticket on this road a couple days ago, so you had better believe I'm going to stick right to that 35 limit that you can read on that big white sign. What I don't need is any more trouble with the "authorities". So deal with it.

Oh, now you're bringing the beams, eh? That's really classy. Tailing and flashing me because I'm doing what? Obeying the law? You'll forgive me if I don't immediately pull over to the side, jump out and start apologizing to you and handing you gobs of cash for your troubles.

Goddamn, I can't stand people like this. When are people going to understand that maybe not everyone thinks they're as important as they do? Well, just relax, my anxious, impatient friend, because I'm taking the turnoff to the Old Road just a half mile ahead, and then you can zoom back to your home planet at whatever warp speed you desire.

Aw, come on, don't get into the turn lane. Don't get into the-- Great, now I get to deal with the Twin Suns of Assholia glaring in my mirror for the next five miles. Oh well, better this than risking a chance meeting with the thin blue li--

What the fuck? What the fuck was that? Zooming past me on the left while I'm trying to turn? Alright, now you are officially Putz of the Day. Congratulations on your award. This is great, I get a ticket for sliding through a stopsign, and this guy is running over children to get past me. Life is fair.

Damn, look at him go. I know this jackwad is just sitting up in his driver's seat, so fucking proud of himself at what a big man he is, how fast he can go, and how no law-abiding douchebag is gonna slow him down.

But this is the Old Road, my friend. The twistiest, nastiest mountain road in this whole county. You might think you're bad now.

But the Old Road is mine.

I'll just lay back a while, let you zoom ahead, thinkin' your all hot shit as you speed by the horse farm and all these little hippie podunk houses, running over all the dogs wandering out in the middle of the road. I hope there's a cop hiding in one of the driveways and he nabs your ass. Meanwhile, I'll just lay back. Just enough so I can see your taillights. Wait till you get to the Tornado.

You know about the Tornado, don't you? Probably not, since that's just what I call it. But once you get past these houses, there is a lonely stretch of road, fiercely winding and wriggling its way up and over the mountain. Not even enough room for cops to hang out on the sides. Just the mountain to one side, a hundred-foot chasm to the other, and in between, blacktop that curves like a drunk, pissed-off Spirograph. That's the Tornado. I own the Tornado. Here. Here we are.

Let me just crank up my system here, and... Tally ho!

You don't see me yet, sucker, but I'm comin'. Today we're gonna find out who the real man is. Do you hear my tires squealing around the corners yet? Whoo! That was a good one. Made up a lot of time on that one. Yeah, baby, I'm comin' for ya like Jaws with claws. Pass me, will ya!

Almost to the top, and your taillights are gleaming bright red and wider, wider in my view. Ha ha, you gotta be like, "Where the fuck did that guy come from?" I never left, you arrogant, simpering fool. You will bow before me!

And over the top we go, and my goodness, what do we have here, a dickhead in his truck with a rearview mirror full of the Tornado King, that's what. Caught ya! Here, have a taste of your own and suck on some of my beams. You like that? Like that, you little turd?! I bet that's the last-- FUCK!!

[[ screeeeeeeeeeetcch ]]

(...please don't stop the truck and get out with a gun and shoot me...)
(...ah, good...)

YEAH, BABY!! Uh huh! Uh huh! Couldn't TAKE it, could you! You're damn right you couldn't! Because I own this bitch! And now I own you, too, mother fucker! Ha ha!!

Yes, you may go on ahead now. Scurry away in humilation and defeat, and begone from my sight, you sad, sad-- Jesus Christ, what the hell am I talking about? Oh man, if there had been a cop, I would be so screwed right now. What is wrong with me? I just risked my life to stage a fucking chase scene?

I was supposed to stop by the store to get something. What was I supposed to get? I can't remember anymore. I wish my hands would stop shaking. Goddamn, that is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever done. Oh well.

That'll teach him, anyway.