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PWC2 News Archive
After a day of indescribable beauty, I get back home to find myself right back in the shit. A horrendous car crash occurred right in front of me on my drive home, presumably killing at least one, maybe more. I check my email and find out that my local relatives have once again decided to hate each other, except this time in a whole new, exciting configuration. War is imminent. Everything's going to hell. And I didn't (and don't) give a good god damn about any of it. I wrote a poem, and I hope I've expressed myself succinctly enough. I call this poem: "Ode to That Asshole Arguing With the Cashier at Vons a Couple Months Ago About the Price of Apples":
Self-conflict.
Lovers quarrel.
Arguing over the check.
Friends learn how to grow apart.
Families struggle a lifetime to decide the best way to self-destruct.
Sibling rivalry.
Division playoffs.
Incompatible religions of peace.
Middle fingers signal the right of way.
Quebec and the Valley.
Countries can't wait to blow each other up.
If there was a planet, we'd get them too.
They hate us.
We hate them.
Killing beauty at every turn.
I don't blame you. You are what you are.
Just leave me alone.
Deep, huh?
Merry Christmas, everybody.
(Also, I added a few [mostly old] photo galleries to the following list.)
Hi everybody! How are you? I am fine! I bought an album, and then I wrote a review of it! Read it, won't you! And whatever you do, don't killfile me!!!
Guess what quarter update it's time for! Did you guess the third quarter? Well, then you're right! Except I think you cheated and read it off somebody else's paper. I'll be watching you.
I'm back, and happy to say that the First Annual PWC2 Vegas Blowout Bash went off without a hitch, except for the one very minor problem in that nobody showed up. Well, you weren't there, but at least now you can feel like you were, with a brand new Introduction!
Here are some pictures of an apartment in Santa Monica where I'll be moving within the next month. Aw yeah.
WOW!!! Monto Rusa, my brand new website, hosted out of my own bedroom, from a Compaq Presario (piece of shit) sitting on the floor, is LIVE!!! Hopefully you can sense the excitement from the amount of bold, italics, CAPITALIZED LETTERS, and EXCLAMATION POINTS I'M USING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Special Announcement!!! This announcement is to announce the First Annual PWC2 Vegas Blowout Bash, taking place from Friday, September 27 through Sunday, September 29!!! And since by reading this, you have proven yourself a valued member of the PWC2 community, I am extending this one-time special package deal to you:
- Two nights at the luxurious Luxor hotel, where you can get room service any time, as long as it's before 2 in the afternoon!
- VIP passes to two special parties hosted by the esteemed, brilliant Phil Hendrie, including a live broadcast of his show on Friday night! Both parties are promised to feature:
- Beer!
- Hors do'r-- Hor's deuv-- Appetizers!
- Spend the rest of your trip with the illustrious Ben Parrish, webmaster and cherished author of Pinback's Web Central II!
- Including sleeping in the same room with him!
- But not in the same bed!
- Unless you're hot!
- (And preferably female!)
How much would you pay? Packages like this normally go for $10,000. So in a special deal like this, what would you expect to pay? $9000? $8000?
$7850.99?
Pah! I spit on those absurd prices! All of this -- the Luxor, the parties, the Pinback, listening to me snore -- all of this can be yours for the very, very special price of only $150!!! Holy fuck on a stick!! You probably just fell over in your chair and cracked your head open on the side of the desk and are slowly bleeding to death as I type this!
If this sounds like your "cup of tea", then be sure to respond via RSVP, please as soon as possible! Act now! Supplies (1) are limited!
9/11. The Holocaust. These and more atrocities, when rolled into one, cannot even begin to compare with crimes against humanity being committed every single day across this great land of ours, of which you might not even have been aware. Fortunately, I am here to open your eyes, with a piece I wrote today and originally posted elsewhere, but I felt was important enough to also share with you folks who might not frequent Robb Sherwin's BBS, for whatever reason. Maybe you're a retard, what do I know.
Added a couple pictures to the latest Introduction, taken from the spot I refer to in said Introduction.
Embrace the cheese! Presenting, a brand new PWC2 Introduction!
Happy August! Thanks for subscribing to the Daily Bad Name for an Incontinent Grandmother mailing list.
Like a demonic Phoenix holding the charred skull of a dead cat between his bloodied, infectious talons, Matt triumphantly returns, in a triumphant manner, with a brand new poem!!!
People like to throw the word "masterpiece" around like so much julienned turkey breast, but while I was reading Matt's latest opus, I knew in my heart that I was casting my eyes on something truly special. And I knew in my stomach that I was about to throw up.
Sad news, friends.
We've all enjoyed the comical, occasionally pitiful story told by our own Clash over the months, in his running daily commentary, "I Wish I Were Dead". And I think we all knew in our hearts that at some point, he would end up sprawled out in a pool of his own blood and brain bits after finally finding a pair of balls somewhere, putting a gun to his head, and granting himself that one true wish.
Things were looking up, too, since it sounded like his recent move and gradual realization that things were heading downhill fast (and that pretty much nothing was going to stop the slide) were sending him into a death spiral reminiscent of a goldfish being flushed down the toilet. A depressed goldfish, at that.
However, during his recent camping trip, Clash was, at the last moment, snatched from the jaws of depression.
Unfortunately, the snatching was done by a pack of roving, ravenous large bears (or possibly medium-large bears), who then proceeded to rip him limb from limb, and feast on his innards.
Even more unfortunately, particularly for the bears, was that there was such a ridiculous amount of drugs and alcohol in his system at the time that the bears all dropped dead from overdoses shortly thereafter.
All in all, just a tragic, somewhat half-baked story from start to finish. The upshot of all this for you, the faithful PWC readership, is that the wonderful run of quality Clash-related content on this site is over. Nobody is more upset about this than I am, since now I might actually have to start putting up my own content on here, and baby Jesus knows, I was hoping to put that off as long as possible.
Anyway, I just want to thank Clash, wherever he may be, for bringing his own inimitable brand of comic wizardry to this site for so long, and, by way of revealing his own desperate, pitiable existence to one and all, making us all feel just a little bit better about ourselves.
That sentence had seven commas in it.
You've waited and waited for it, drooling maniacally like a rabid dog in heat. Well, here it is! The Second Quarter Update!!
Monto Rusa will be down starting sometime early on Saturday, and will not be back up until probably Sunday evening, as we upgrade from Windows Me to Linux, in order to provide you with a more enjoyable websurfing experience. Now, what does this mean to you, and how will this affect your life, you're probably asking. Well, for one thing, it means that you won't get to look at that pretty Monto Rusa graphic, so go over there and stare at it for awhile right now, to get your fix. More importantly, it means that none of my fabulous photos will be available. So don't FREAK OUT when you can't get to the following collections of photos, which I have kindly grouped together here for your browsing convenience: (I've put the pictures somewhere else on this website, but I trust in your ability to find them.)
I went on a hiking trip today. Here are a few pictures from it.
A couple of months ago, Knott's Berry Farm announced a charity auction, one in which people could bid on seats in the very first publicly-ridden train to roll out of the station for their new ride, Xcelerator. One night, after perhaps a little too much partying, I decided that it would be a good idea to bid over $200 for a ride, just to ensure that I got a decent seat.
Later, I sobered up, but the die had been cast. Today, Knott's Berry Farm opened Xcelerator, and they came to collect their money. Here now is a short, but exciting (very much like the ride itself) pictorial of the event.
(Thanks to my favorite member of the Axis of Evil, Saeid Zoonematkermani, for having the generosity (and most of all, patience) to join me on this adventure and take some of these pictures.)
I was on vacation for a week and a half. Don't you want to join me on my journey? Of course you do. Yes, I know the pictures take a long time to download. But holy moly are they worth it!
I went to Vegas this weekend. Come along with me, won't you? This represents about half of the total number of pictures that I took, but many of them were at night, and I guess it automatically slowed down the shutter speed so much that many came out blurry. This PISSES ME OFF. But fortunately, most of the best ones made it through relatively unscathed.
Here are some pictures of the office where I work, and some of my coworkers.
I took some pictures of the California coast. I'm sure you'll agree, it's the most breathtaking coast in the entire country.
Also, this shocking news.
Coming soon, a new Ben Parrish website:
Surely my most anticipated project since Verse!
Well, I'll be in Fresno all this week, so remember how last week there weren't any updates? That's pretty much how it's gonna be this week too. But to tide you over, you can look at some pictures taken by the LA-area's hottest young photographer.
Download my newest NoLimits coaster!
(Note: You have to own the NoLimits coaster simulator before you can use this. So go buy the goddamn thing already. The hell is wrong with you.)
IT'S NO LONGER CLASH DAY!!!
I think we can all agree that this was the best Clash Day ever! Even though the man of the hour didn't actually participate, or even acknowledge Clash Day in any way (which would have been nice, believe me, after all the work his "friends" here put into making this the best Clash Day ever). But maybe he was busy.
Also, replies are coming in from my most recent "a very special PWC intro", and just in case I don't get to each of you individually (which I already have), thank you for your kind, encouraging words. I will be sure to keep you apprised as developments... develop.
IT'S CLASH DAY!!!
Make sure to go over to the BBS and show some respect and appreciation for so many months of high-quality content, goddammit! And if you haven't been reading his section religiously, then you had better start now, or there's going to be trouble!
A new intro. If I get one smartass comment from any of you, or one concerned phone call from a parent, I am taking this down faster than you can say "manssiere".
Also (to lighten the mood a little), I am designating May 1, 2002 as Clash Day here at the PWC. On that day, please go over to the BBS and express your appreciation for the man who has basically, for the past two or three months, been the only consistent reason to visit this site, and has maintained a level of quality entertainment to which any of us could aspire, but rarely hope to achieve. Thanks, Clash!
Behold, a brand new introduction! See what your gracious host has been up to for the past few months.
The Doctor returns with his own special brand of life coaching.
Also, here's a flash from the PWC Consumer Advisory Board: This right here is, by far, the greatest "diet" beverage ever to exist. I drink it by the galvanized tub. If you want to be like me, buy a lot of this.
Couple things. Thing one is, the voting has now concluded, and I must say that I am quite touched by the show of support that the readership of this site put forth unto myself. And while I could take this opportunity to rub it in Clash's malnourished, bony face, I won't, because that's not how this boy operates. Or rather, this man. Because I shall take my victory like a man, with grace, honor, and humility. But, you know, make sure to check out the final results.
Thing two is, last Saturday, Clash wrote one of the greatest things I've ever seen him write, which in turn means that it's one of the greatest things ever written. Please do read the 3/30 entry over on his page. Read all the other stuff too, but especially that. Although I do not condone all that drug use, for the record.
Oh, also, since coming back to the weird, wild world of poker a couple weeks ago, I've won nearly $400. So, all that stuff I said before about "fuck this game, fuck cards, etc., etc."? Let's just forget all that, shall we? And while I'm on this particular subject, let me give an enormous, thunderous shout out to one of those guys on my "link list" over on the right side of the page, that being: ParadisePoker.com. They are by far the greatest poker site on the planet, but none of you people give a crap about poker. The reason they deserve the big applause is that I have never had such wonderful customer support experiences with any other company, ever. They are frighteningly responsive, friendly, knowledgeable, accomodating, and if you write them enough nice letters, they send you a high-quality embroidered golf shirt and a mousepad. So, here's to you, Paradise!
The foul stench of malfeasance wafts over the normally laundry-fresh PWC. Read the shocking "conclusion" of the Fatass Challenge. Read Clash's response.
Now you, the people, can decide what happens. I'll leave this up here for one week. Make your voice heard. Oh, and: rock the vote.
The voting is closed.
Scandalous Controversy Warning: The details are still coming in, but I feel obligated to inform you, faithful readers, that there's a bit of a storm brewing in the formerly innocent world of the Fatass Challenge. I expect that once the story blows, you'll hear about it from Yahoo, the NBC Nightly News, and other reputable news sources, but I recommend you come here for the inside scoop. I don't think it's going to get really ugly until Sunday afternoon, but after that, it may be time to hide the wife, the kids, and any pets lucky enough to survive the initial shockwave. Please, plan accordingly. We are at DEFCON 2.
Matt joins the update brigade by providing a revision for the Ed Kemper story (though I still can't tell what the difference is), a new important educational essay, and a very special notice from the Doctor. I should point out that he submitted these updates weeks ago, and am I only now getting around to posting them. I suck.
Against both of our better judgements, the team of Clash and myself have committed to providing yet another daily content source, as an adjunct to the Fatass Challenge described below. On said webpage, you will be able to find a daily description of what we ate on the previous day! Is that something, or what? I bet you didn't see that coming! This brings to a total of two (2) the number of different daily updates you're getting from this site:
- Clash's now-legendary blog.
- What we ate.
Wow!
It's time once again for everyone's favorite feature: The PWC Mailbag! Today's letter comes from Keith Tuggles of Minnetonka, MN. Keith writes:
It's a good thing that I was already expecting your site to suck, otherwise the past month and a half would have been slightly disappointing for me. Fortunately, as it is, I feel nothing but vindication for my initial skepticism. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be getting on to the end of this hallway.
Thanks for your input, Keith! We also received the following note from Britney Spears, who writes:
First of all, regarding the last sentence of the "Keith Tuggles" letter, don't you think it's a bad idea to start referring to inside jokes which only about two people in the world would get, especially on a website that sucks so bad that the webmaster has to resort to putting my name on the front page in the hopes that it will get more hits from search engines? Jesus, are you pathetic.
Thanks, Britney Spears! Also, thanks to Angelina Jolie, Anna Kournikova, Jenna Jameson, and someone named "Hot Horny Teens", for their Mailbag submissions!
But now to address your concerns. We hear you. We hear that you're tired of not getting enough new content. We hear that you want something new. Something exciting! Something revolutionary!! And that is why we here, at our -- no, at your website -- are proud, very very proud, to be able to present to you today: The same dumb webpage that we did last year! Enjoy!
| Clash's Florida Trip Scoreboard |
| Playing golf | | | | | | | |
| Working out | | | | | | | |
| Eating at nice restaurants for free | | | | | | | |
| Sneaking in Florida/Old People joke | | | | | | | |
| Getting laid | | | | | | | |
Sponging Tally: $482.78
Scoring Average (for the golf, I mean): 103.33
I don't know about you folks, but the above scoreboard is very exciting for me. I mean, the man has a whole week in sunny, gorgeous Florida! Who knows what sorts of wacky adventures he'll have! Be sure to check back every day.
Legend
Red Box: Planned, but not yet accomplished.
Green Box: Aw, YEAH!
Cyan Box: Gravy!!
Wow, where did February go, huh? Feels like just yesterday I was updating the site, touting our fabulous "update-a-day" content delivery service, and then the wheels fell off. The blame has to lie somewhere, unfortunately. And at the end of the day, the one place it has to lie in this case is: Not with me. No sir. It's my website, sure, but it's not my life. What is my life is getting accustomed to my new job, which for the past month has consisted of me doing the following things:
- Feeling like an ignorant, worthless piece of crap.
- Buying several hundred dollars worth of computer books.
- Reading the first two chapters of each of the above.
- Feeling like even more of an ignorant, worthless piece of crap, hundreds of times worse than I felt in the item three above this one.
Warning to computer professionals: It appears that while you've spent the last fifteen years goofing off, coming in late, and spending all day updating your stupid website, emailing your friends and surfing the web for teenage girls in anime costumes, the state of computer science has actually progressed somewhat. I issue this warning in the hopes that you never have to wake up and face the fact that you are an ignorant, worthless piece of crap.
Or as I like to say these days:
this.setWorth(Worth.ZERO);
Three days in a row! How long can he possibly keep it up?!
Matt strikes for the second day in a row, with what I consider to be an all-time classic. Also, the doctor is back, though apparently a little out of sorts.
Additionally, I've received several emails asking very similar questions, so let me address those emails here:
Q: What's the deal with Clash's section, anyway? Is the whole point of this that he recounts his daily activities, and they gradually become more and more pathetic, and he becomes more and more depressed and unable to cope with life, until eventually it builds in a feverish crescendo to an inescapable vortex of human anguish, and then at the end he commits suicide right here, live on the internet?
A: Yes.
I hope this clears things up!
Matt brings the hurt with some of the most nauseating content ever to pollute this website.
Also, you all keep forgetting to check Clash's section every goddamn day! What is the matter with you, huh? Why do you keep doing that?!
I've de-Jetstreamed the coasters section, and I've added a fairly sizeable, brand new trip report. Read up, won't you? X marks the spot.
The good Doctor continues to answer your idiotic questions.
Matt sets the record straight about the World's First PWC Writers' Meeting.
You didn't think homes would back-fill. But homes back-filled. Maybe next time you'll think twice before doubting the man.
It's time for another installment of the PWC Mailbag. Today's concerned reader writes:
"Hey. How come you don't got no broads writing for you no more? Also, I like to eat my own boogers."
Well sir, I'm not really in much of a position to help you with the last part. But what I can do is get some Fresh Broad Content back on the site! To that end, I'm introducing a new feature today called: "The PWC Casting Couch". On the Couch, a prospective new PWC writer will get the chance to show what he or she's got in the way of hard-edged, quickly-slapped-together content. Each applicant will get an opportunity to submit and have published four (4) columns. Once the fourth column has been posted, you (the audience) will have the opportunity to vote on whether or not we should keep the new author, or throw her ass out on the street and let her rot until the dogs come and feast on her decomposing entrails. Sound good? Super! You'll find the new feature below the "news" on this very page.
Over the weekend took place, for the first time in history, a PWC writers' meeting! Read all about it over on the BBS!
At my workplace, we do not get Martin Luther King day off. This is the primary reason why I resigned, and why my last day here is January 30. However, the fact that they do not choose celebrate the life of Dr. King does not mean that I cannot. So, I do just that, in the brand new introduction.
Also, Matt is coming through with the artistic expressions again with a fun little cartoon! "For kids!" - Hudsucker Proxy
The Doctor continues to field questions from our very troubled audience today! And let's just remind you again that Clash, a man of his word, still continues to update you on a daily basis on the topsy-turvy carnival ride that is his life! Have you noticed that I'm yelling a lot more in these news updates lately!
In addition to being Satanic, Matt is also a licensed therapist! Come feel the healing when you visit his brand new feature: Ask Dr. Dickhead!
News Item #1: On Matchmaker today, I wrote a fetching young lass a clever little email (after noticing that, not unlike every single goddamn chick on that whole fucking site, she appreciates a man with a sense of humor), and received the following response:
"The last matchmaker guy that I went out with (who turned out to be an ass)
told me to send a kind note to guys, regardless of whether or not I am
interested because simply "deleting" isn't nice. So here I am. I hope you
find someone that is your type who enjoys your wit as much as I did."
News Item #2: I shall now begin the meticulous process of violently murdering everyone I've ever known! So I might be away for awhile! Bye now!
"Start with me, BTW." - Clash
My man Matt is literally on fire! Three updates so far today, and it's not even 1 PM. I will now field a question from the audience:
"Hey, it's only January 10, but you've got us on January 12 already. What gives, huh?"
Long-time readers of my site, of which there are none, realize that since time began, my technique for updating the site has always been to use tomorrow's date, so that it's fresh for the next day. But sometimes, I put up more than one update in a single day. In that case, I just keep adding 1 day to the date. So, if I update the site 365 more times today, the last update will be dated January 12, 2003. If you have a problem with this, I invite you to suck me. Please, have a problem with this.
From "Karzai", on the BBS:
"More Matt, less Clash!"
Well, Karzai, you asked for it, and now you've got it: More Matt! I'm still working on the second part.
I just want to make sure I'm pulling my own weight around here, which, considering the number of Wendy's cheeseburgers I've been eating lately (out of respect, you see), is getting more difficult by the second. But anyway, here, have a new introduction.
One thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I have a Satanic cousin! His name is Matt! And now, Matt has his own section here at the ol' PWC where he can share his thoughts, feelings, and demon-filled nightmarish visions with you!
Out of respect, I am hereby dedicating PWC2 to the memory of Dave Thomas, who filled our lives with joy, and our arteries with grease.
I'm not going to come on here every single day just to tell you that Clash updated his section, which he's supposed to do every day anyway. But I mean. Today's just puts to shame everything else on this website put together. (Except for the stuff I wrote.)
Are you some kind of moron? Get the answer, in the all new for 2002, PWC introduction!
As if that wasn't enough (which it really wasn't), Clash be back in business.
Happy double-M aught-two. Although neither Clash nor I have updated our respective sections over the past four days, we have excellent excuses. At this point, you should just feel fortunate that we're still alive. I know we do.
Hey, I can write about my pathetic life too, you know. And I do just that, in a major key, in the new PWC Introduction.
Also, the page is now viewable with Netscape. Unfortunately, none of the style sheets work, so it looks like crap. But the content is the thing here.
I am putting a temporary halt to the daily polls, until I effect an upcoming worldwide advertising campaign for PWC. We've settled down to 6 votes per day, and kids, that's just not going to hack it in the brutal, merciless world of online polling. So, please, enjoy the current polls, vote away, get your friends to chime in. When my need for attention has been sated, we will start them up again. Also, as an aside, please read Clash's personal ad. In my 30.5 years on this planet, I have never read anything quite as funny as this.
Merry Christmas, everyone! I just want to point out that you now have two reasons to visit this website every damn day of your life. First we have those wacky polls down there, and now we have the daily rantings of a madman to entertain you! Is there an excuse for you to not be visiting this website every day and telling-- nay, demanding that every single one of your friends and/or family do the exact same? Here's a hint: "Nope."
Inspired by someone else's idea, our old buddy Clash has decided to give us a daily glimpse into exactly what it's like being Clash. Guests with heart, neck, or back problems should not ride this ride.
It has come to my attention that Netscape users are unable to experience the rapturous euphoria that is Pinback's Web Central II. This appears, after some rudimentary testing, to be due to the poll table below. This seems like a fairly simple thing to diagnose and fix. Unfortunately for Netscape users, I have precisely zero interest in spending one second fixing the site for people who lower themselves to using that particular piece of crap software. So, if you can't read this, you're out of luck. Also, you're ugly and smell funny.
It has been three years, 11 months, and 20 days since I've had occasion to let fly the following announcement:
There's a new PWC introduction.
Well, I think we can all agree that Jetstream had really run its course, having deteriorated all the way from a new column every 24 hours to a notice about a new video game two or three times a year. It's time to move on! And move on we shall, with Pinback's Web Central II. For those of you who may not be as familiar with my ever-lengthening chain of failed websites, this is the sequel to the time-honored, legendary Pinback's Web Central, the primary difference being that that site contained actual content, whereas this one, as you may have noticed, doesn't.
However, this one has a poll you can take. So, you know, there's something. Oh, and this one uses style sheets. I am the man!
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