My Satanic Cousin Matt
Fecal Poem
you tell me you love me while you poop your pants I love that you call me in midst defecation It makes me feel special, listening to you shit
when I hear the sound of water a'splashing,
when you have the gas,
when I have the ache in my stomach I try,
I'm sad, I hear flushing,
now you wash your hands,
when I finally greet you at the end of the day,
last week you decided not to flush at all,
Pee Tip #3
I don't know if I'm the only one who has this problem or not, but
everytime I go pee, I just can't shake it all out and I end up dripping on
myself. This wasn't always the case. Seems like the more pussy I receive,
the less control I have of my own urine. So, I'm in the bathroom at work
everyday, blowdrying the front exterior of my pants. (Pee really shows on
wool.) My buddy Derek says this happens to him too, so I know it's not just
me. I just thought that once I stopped drinking, I was less likely to pee on
myself. This was not the case at all. I would ask Dr. Dickhead for some
advise, but I'd rather see him sink lower into his depression so I can
witness his demise. If he decides to blow his brains out, I will supply him
with the shotgun, and I promise I'll video tape it so you all can see. That
would be awesome. Oh, shit! I have to take a piss again. Damn.
Pee Tip #2
Let's say your girlfriend is very sick and feels like shit and
she doesn't want to get up off the fucking couch to do anything. So you keep
getting up and getting her stuff as you sit there and watch TV, or what have
you. Then her bladder kicks in and decides it has to release some of the
toxins that are filling it. But she doesn't want to get up still, and you
can't very well go to the bathroom for her. So...here's what you do. Go out
to the backyard and cut yourself off a good length of hose. (Measure the
distance from the couch to the bathroom if you're unsure of how much you'll
need.) Take the dirty end of the hose and stick it down into the toilet so
that it's secure. Run the hose to wherever your little lady is and procede
to shove inside her like a drain snake. Then...just wait and watch the
magic! (Much more entertaining if you can find a clear hose.) She'll never
want to get up to go to the bathroom again!
Sperm Dealer
Sperm Dealer: You may not know this, but many women will pay big money for
your sperm. Unfortunately for me, they usually read your profile, and most
women want a tall, handsome, intellegent donor with no sign of mental
problems in his family background. This exiles me from the whole ordeal.
Then I thought about it. "Who would want a short, stupid baby who may
possibly experience signs of manic depression in it's later years?" Then it
came to me....giants. Yes, maybe a giant woman would want my midget sperm so
she has a better chance of having a normal sized child. My shortness factor
could cancel out her giantism and produce a normal healthy little bundle of
joy. So...I'm looking into it. Any way to make an extra buck.
Bigfoot
There's this huge hairy lady here we dubbed "Sasquatch". She drinks alot of
Dr. Pepper. One time at the soda machine she just started blurting out how
her boyfriend punches her every night and how it's driving her crazy. I was
standing there pretending to be totally uninterested, when in reality I
couldn't believe my ears and couldn't wait to hear what crap she had to say
next. My buddy says, "So why don't you just leave him".
She explains, "Well, he helped me through college and I owe him that. But he
dosen't have a job and just sits there and watches TV all day. Then when I
come home...he beats me".
So my buddy goes, "Well then I guess he deserves to be able to throw a few
blows in once and a while".
Now in most cases this would be a concern, to me and whoever else was there
to hear this sad confession. If this was some petite little cutie, you would
feel like something must be done to this abusive bastard. But this isn't
really a woman we're talking about here, it's definitely a Bigfoot. In the
morning, when everybody shows up in their cars, or on their bikes; she
mysteriously appears from behind the trees. Sometimes you can hear the
lonely cry of the Sasquatch out behind the railroad tracks, where she goes
off to at lunch. Kind of a loud Chewbacca roar, but somehow.....sadness.
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! We could picture her taking blows.
BAM! Growwwwwwwllll! SMACK! Rooooooaaaaaaoooooarrrr! BLAMO!
RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Off in the distance somewhere you can see her
conversing with her only friend, Nessy. Only Nessy understands the pain of
the abused Sasquatch. Her sheer terror brings me to tears. Tears of
hysterical joy.
Public Service Annoucement: Now, just because I'm evil does not mean I believe in Sasquatch abuse. Please, if you ever run into a Sasquatch while camping or hiking, do not harm or molest the Sasquatch in any way. Their nature is undetermined, but they seem to be nice, plant-eating creatures who try to stay out of public view to live their lives in peace. However, if you happen to work with a Sasquatch who shaves herself down and learns English and is trying to trick you into believing she's human, and then looks to you for sympathy. If you cannot retreat and avoid the confrontation somehow, I give you my licensed permission to draw forth and strike the animal in fear and frustration. Thank you.
Three Of The Most Disgusting, Vomit-Inducing Things I (Pinback) Have Ever Read
Thing #1: Oh, dude! I got the clamydia eurethra swabbing this morning! Yeah, I thought, a blood test would be a good idea. To find out weather or not I have some weird STD. Not that I've had any symtoms what-so-ever. So the Dr. goes, "Well, we'll test you for the big ones. HIV of course. Syphilis is coming back in a big way. And Hepititas. How about Clamydia?" So he pulls out this long apparatus with a cotton swab on the end. He tells me to hold my penis hole open and he shoves the thingy in there and begins to twist. 1 time. I'm screaming at this point. 2 times. I'm feeling faint and still screaming. 3 times. I think I'm going to die. It's all over now and my penis hole is flamming. Especially when I have to pee. Yeah. That was exciting. Thanks for sharing... Thing #2: I'm wearing a tie today. It matches the zit on my nose perfectly. I'm very color coordinated. I keep telling people how good I look and they kinda' roll their eyes. People think something is wrong with me because I haven't flipped anyone off today...yet. So it goes...-Vonnegut Thing #3: Why guys like Anal Sex: Um, yes...here goes. I really have to concentrate to cum. Most guys don't. Sometimes I don't, but ususally I do. Anyway, keeping that in mind, when I fuck a girl in her ass, most of the time it is because she tells me to. I mean, I'm not going to say, "No way, you crazy sick bitch." But while I'm doing so, I can't get the thought of shit out of my head. Is that weird? I don't think so. Because that's what your penis is sliding against when you have anal sex. So it fucks up my concentration. The only time I've really wanted to have butt sex was when it was a last resort because the pussy was just too thrashed and lose or dry and I couldn't cum. But still I can't cum. I've never cum in a girl's ass. Bummer huh? Yeah. But for the most part guy's like it because---- A: They need a tighter hole; or---B: They're really gay.
What Really Happened?
Just to clear up all the lies about the 1st Annual PWC meeting and all its
happenings, I will now give my version and you believe what you want!
"What are you going to believe, me or your own eyes!?!?!" - I don't remember who said that.5pm: I arrive, only to find Pin and Clash hastily zipping up their pants. I imagine, before I got there that Pin had his legs wrapped around Clash's pretty little head. Clash, licking with ecstasy, tossing Pin's salad. This is only what I'm ass-uming, of course, only because, even after their pants were back on, Pin couldn't get Clash's lips off his ass. 5:15pm: I give Clash all the drugs he required. (This is really the only reason we were all in the same room, Clash's habit.) I don't know how far Clash's hypocrisy goes, working for a law school / closet junkie. Poor bastard. So, I do all I can for him, and he repays me with mean falsifications and slander, which I will soon be suing him for. 5:16pm: At this point I'm bored and want to leave. Pinback gives me some good pizza so I stay and watch gay football in the snow. 5:30pm: I try to talk Pinback into ordering some more pizza, but he insists on making dinner. So I wait, get real high on Clash's supply. Waiting........(zzzzzzzzzzzz) 7pm: They wake me up and we sit down to eat this god awful meal prepared by highly acclaimed gourmet chef Pinback. Dry pork fat on a bed of rice with some weird banana looking fruit/potato that tastes like dirt. While I'm shoveling all the food into a doggie bag, Clash goes on and on about how good the food is. He kisses Pin after every bite and doesn't even wipe his dirty disgusting face. 7:15pm: I get the fuck out of Dodge. I figure, they'll have a more intimate time without me there. I don't like to impose, or be a third wheel. They were talking about going to the bar. Pinback wouldn't even let me sit on his couch. What a jerk! This is the last time I go over there. What a nightmare....a boorish occasion indeed. Thanks everybody!
Valentine's Day
Tip of the day: Do not ask girlfriend if it's okay to go see Slayer on
Valentine's Day.
This is what will happen: "Honey is it okay if maybe we celebrate Valentine's Day maybe a day early this year? You see........Slayer is playing on Valentine's Day, and I know I just saw them last month, but Dave Lombardo is playing drums for them for the first time in like 12 years! "I can't believe you are even asking me that." click (That's the phone hanging up.) Then later via email.....: you are an asshole. go ahead and go to stupid slayer and leave me alone on Valentines day, if that is what makes you happy and I will just do something for myself...by the way I am not talking to you right now. So there you go. Don't under-estimate the power of Valentine's Day, whatever the fuck that is. It's all just a fucking scam. Sham? You are judged on that one day! You could do nice things all year long, but that's all forgotten if you skip Valentine's Day. You cannot denounce Valentine's Day. Major error. Do not...ever. Don't even try....They'll never let you forget it....ever!
Jason the Gay Jew
I work with this idiot called Jason Spielberg. He claims to
be Steven Spielberg's
cousin, but we all know he's just another dirty filthy Jew
somofabitch. Jason is not gay.
He insists. So we're constantly teasing him. That dirty Jew bastid.
Do you know what he
did? To prove his non-homosexual innocence, he started screwing the
ugly girl who works
down, over there, in that one cubicle. Let's call her Nancy. It was
supposed to be a secret,
but everyone knows. Though we didn't let him know that we knew
because we like to
pretend he's gay. So one day he comes up and says, "Hey, you think
Nancy is pretty?"
I looked him straight in the eyes and I said, "No", in a
very mean and demeaning way.
He got very upset and I could tell he was starting to tear
up. He started to walk away
head hanging low. He really had some non-gay news he wanted to
share, but alas, I already knew
where he was going with his stupid question and I wanted to make him
feel as worthless as I
believe he is. When he reached the door I shouted, "Hey Jason aren't
you gay!?"
"I'M NOT GAY!", he demanded.
I could hear laughter from my neighboring cubical. Then
Jason said it again.
"I AM NOT GAY, YOU GUYS!!!", voice cracking like a teenager
just entering puberty.
Laughter filled the room now, like when Jack hurts himself
in an episode
of Three's Company. Nancy stands up, "Jesus Christ Jason, they're
only teasing you! Get a grip!"
Jason looks over in horror. Everyone is standing up.
Hysterical laughter from
bodiless heads is all he sees. This is Jason's nightmare come true.
This is what has become of him. This is my work going better than I could
have ever hoped. I feel great! What a
wonderful world!
Ed Kemper
This is Edmund Emil Kemper III. He killed his grandfather and had a
stand-off with the police, holding his grandmother hostage. He finally gave
up, followed his grandmother out to the porch with a shotgun and shot her
through the back in front of the cops. He told investigators, "I just wanted
to know what it would feel like to kill gramma." Then he called up his
mother who was on her honey moon, starting off her third marriage.
"It's all over mom, time to come home. I killed gramma and grampa."He did all this when he was 15. If you've read The Silence of the Lambs, you
will read that the killer in the book, "Buffalo Bill", did a similar thing
with his grandparents based on Kemper's work. And if you've seen the movie,
"American Psycho", the killer in the book, Patrick Bateman, misquotes serial
killer Ed Gein. It was actually Kemper who said, "When I see a pretty girl
on the street, one part of me wonders what she's like, and maybe would like
to take her out on a date. The other part of me wonders what her head would
look like on a stick." Kemper was sent to Atascadero State Hospital for the criminally insane. (My
mother actually worked there for a short period of time, until she was hurt
by one of the inmates and was forced to leave due to permanent physical
damage.) When Kemper turned 18 they decided he was alright and they released him. He
was sent to live with his mother. Misdiagnosed, of course.The first couple of weeks Ed was fine. Very polite and careful to follow his
mother's instruction. She decided she trusted him with the car. She was old
and needed help with the groceries and such. Ed began frequenting the
college town of Santa Cruz. At night he stalked and killed hitchhiking
college girls. He had grown to a large size of 6' 9" and could easily
overpower women. He was very strong, however, he was a very quiet man who
kept to himself. He had a near genious IQ. He hung out with cops in the town
at the coffee shop and discussed with them about all the body parts being
found along the shore. The police called him the Gentle Giant. Meanwhile,
more arms and legs were being found.One night, after 2 years of his release, his mother was giving him a hard
time so he killed her with a hammer, cut off her head, put it on the bedpost
and used it as a dart board. He cut out her throat and stuffed it down the
garbage disposal. He explained that he thought this would put an end to her
constant bitching. Like killing her wasn't enough. He then called up his
mother's friend and invited her over for dinner. When she arrived, she was
killed by Kemper. Probably molested, too, I don't remember, but I know she
was very old. Both corpses were positioned in humiliating ways.Anyway, he took off, and made it as far as Colorado. He planned on going to
Vegas, taking out as many people as he could, but he became to paranoid. He
called police and turned himself in. He's still recovering and of course he
sought Jesus for that light. I wrote this about Ed Kemper because he is one of my favorite serial killers
and everyone should love him. In the end he claimed to have killed 150
people. He is a gentle soul in the belly of damnation. "3 cheers for Ed", I
say. There is a new episode of Mugshots that will probably re-run soon. If you
have Court TV, (my favorite channel), you should look for it.
"Teach your children to worship Satan" -The Dwarves
On Self-Control
Addiction is very common. Everyone is addicted to something, whether
it be Jesus, cocaine, sex, gambling, pain, or, in some cases people even
become addicted to washing their hands. This all comes from a mechanism in
our brain, a compulsive side that finds something it thinks you enjoy and
makes you want to continue doing it at all times of the day. Your own brain
tortures you and makes you think about things that aren't always healthy to
think about. I personally, think about killing people all the time.Good people do bad things and become "bad people", who deserve to be destroyed, or at least punished. At work, people send things to me on the FTP site, (advertisements that I must reformat). There are many, many folders in the site that are full of stuff. This stuff is old but there are no modification dates on the FTP site, so you never know when something was sent. Not only that, but people don't know which folder to put their stuff in. So a certain company, let's call it Christos, sends me an ad, and they say, "go find it". So I search through all the folders looking for something called Christos, but alas, I find nothing of the sort. To no avail. So I call them back....
"Hey I can't find the ad for Christos. Which folder is it in?" Great Scott, I should have known! At this point I am thinking about killing the customer. They don't know shit from Sherlock and deserve nothing but my cloven hoof in their ass. I know where they live. The thing is, I don't give in to this urge. I respectfully find the ad and do the job. This is called self-control. I've used this "self-control" to help me quit drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. Still, all I think about is killing. While I was on the drugs and alcohol, I didn't think about killing all the time. Now it haunts me like a demon within. Beckoning me to make haste and start my killing spree in the name of Hellfire and all it's gory...I mean Glory. So what should I do?
Sincerely, Helpful Hint
Matt's Tip of the Day: You can't pee into a funnel and expect to get any
range.
I learned this amazing fact last night. I saw some kid pissing on the side of the road, and he had a much farther range than I. I pulled over to investigate. The trick is, as the 4 year old showed me, to aim your member up at a 45 degree angle. Then you get that "rainbow effect", the same you would want if you were shooting the ball in a game of basketball. Right?
Un-Recogniz-Able
from your bleeding skull What time is it now? Have I lost control I'm controlling you You do what I say Peel the flesh over your face Now you look insane You could be the hero Of your own disgrace No lips, no face To hide the smile away Now you stick my neck With your sharpened pencil Watch the life slipping away And you start to remember... The first time you dismembered a corpse Smell the rotting flesh Of forgotten kills Run the edge of the blade Across forgotten lips Is it sharp enough? To render me un-recogniz-able!
Uplifting Song
you can't shit and you can't pee You're all alone...Cuz everything about you sucks... You're all alone....Everything about you sucks. you are lame and you are sad you are gay and you've been bad You're all alone...Cuz everything about you sucks... You're all alone...Everything about you sucks... your horoscope says that you will die you won't be missed and you know why...
Birthday Present
I got my girlfriend's 4 year old a little chainsaw for his
birthday. He won't go anywhere without it. This one guy who likes her tried
to outdo me and got him a bike big enough for a 10 year old. A nice
expensive Mongoose. No one was impressed. He likes the chainsaw the best. I
got him a shotgun too.
Martial Arts
Last night I learned that when you are in a
guillotine headlock, you can easily get out of it by jumping up with your
opponent's body and when you drop back down, bend your knees for leverage.
Opponent becomes slightly off balance and loosens grip. With one hand over
opponent's shoulder, reach other hand under crotch and grab his back. Then,
lift opponent up into the air using your knees, twisting opponent and
throwing him to his back. Catch opponent's arm as he falls. Drop one knee
onto opponents chest and complete with the armbar. At this point you can
snap the bone and begin striking his face with your free elbow! That way you
don't hurt your own hand!
On Pinback
You are a fleshy sac that dwells alone in dank places, usually
holding yourself; always huddled up on some alcohol kick. Doing strange
things by yourself, in the dark, with your own body. Trying to stay focused
on the flight simulator, but always turning your attention to the DVD porn
that you won't let me borrow or watch. That's why you're on the computer all
night. Half the time you're jacking off and then you feel guilty so you make
up that lost time by getting on the "work machine" and playing "baby games".
Big baby. Monster my anus-tree.
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