Alien V: The Publication
by Andy Moore

It is only a matter of time now...

Pinback has made the fatal mistake. Like the characters in the "Alien" movies, he (although meaning well) permits the lapse of security that lets the creature get its slimy foot in the door. In a fleeting moment of poor editorial judgement, he's let the Alien slip a column onto his web site.

But we're still in the early stages of the story. The characters don't yet comprehend that they are doomed, utterly beyond hope...

The plan is ridiculously simple. Pleased at having filled the gaping void of the "One-Timers" feature, Pinback has compounded his initial error by foolishly leaving the door open to follow-up articles. Nay, he has even suggested, encouraged this "guest" to write them! And this very article is the second feature. Two "One-Timers" make no sense. He'll have to give his "guest" his own separate column. (If he objects, I'll point out that I don't want to be called a "two-timer".)

Look upon Pinback's unsuspecting crew, Clash and White (in his Corner and her Warren, respectively), with pity. Do they have the faintest clue of the messy fate that awaits them? Could they?

In a surprisingly short time the two "senior" columnists are subverted. A little innuendo here, a little bribe money there, a little JavaScript here, a few falsified e-mails of outrage. They never know what hit them until it is far too late...

At least they put up a valiant, spirited struggle for their literary lives. They go down swinging; jangled grammar, broken clauses, dangling participles spewing from their articles, slashing out helplessly as their vital paragraphs are disemboweled.

The Alien is glad of this. It is so sad and empty to employ such dark, shiny, evil prose against enemies frail and pathetic. It thrills to hear them scream and shout with fury and anger (hopeless though it may be), to feel their sarcastic barbs and ironic wit flail against it. And as it makes the final stroke of its blood red editor's pen, it salutes them, in its own gory way...

Once isolated, how long can it be before "Pinback's Web Central" falls completely? As the main page is edited, does Pinback feel the same rising confusion and panic that confronts all the Alien's victims? When he reloads his browser and sees "Andy's Web Central", does his expression reflect the shock of hosts as they stare at the snake-like creature, metallic teeth glinting in the light, that have burst from their chests?

Pinback's only hope, and the Alien's only fear, is that he will find a way to scuttle his Internet Service Provider before control is wrested from him. But it is exactly this possibility that makes the battle all the keener for the Alien.

Impossible responsibility weighs on Pinback's conscience. He knows that if his web site succumbs to the infestation, it will only be a stepping stone to the rest of the World Wide Web. And then nobody will be safe. In his mind's eye Pinback pictures scores of AOL users massacred in a dismaying sea of spam...

See the sweat on his brow as he composes a frantic e-mail to Tech Support (which the Alien intercepts and deletes). See the shaking of his hands as he dials the Erols Customer Service number (a call that the Alien redirects into voicemail hell). Listen to his cats hiss as they sense the demon closing in, while they watch their master's laptop tremble...

Suddenly, just as the Alien prepares to smash Pinback's index into a bloody pulp, ahab, his masterful HTML program, blocks the way! In fury the Alien screams, and sends a hail of political rhetoric, non-standard HTML tags, and bad spelling at ahab's standard input. But somehow it holds, slowly driving the Alien's files from the server! In desperation the creature tries to upload an X-rated image...

Just as suddenly, it is over. The struggling insect-like body of the Alien is hurled out into the cold, cruel void of the Recycle Bin. The infestation is cleared.

Pinback settles back into his lazyboy and lets out a long sigh of relief. Once again, just to be sure, he checks his laptop and sees "Pinback's Web Central", nearly empty, broken links scattered across the screen, but intact. He prepares his Probe for the long journey to Las Vegas (in the Nevada system), and safety...

And fails to notice the brief flicker of his "Check Engine" light...

Pinback's Web Central

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This page and the contents therein (except where otherwise attributed) are copyright (c) 1997, 1998, by Ben Parrish.
That was in case any of you devious types were thinking of stealing all my cool stuff. So there.
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