11/15/97 - Decorum

In this day and age, when the economy is as strong as ever, crime is down, and unemployment is near an all-time low, it's time to turn our attention to some of the this country's lesser understood problems which Americans have too-long ignored, perhaps hoping that they'd just go away, or miraculously fix themselves. Well, people, I'm here to tell you that they're not going to, so I plan to lead the charge to face these problems head-on, to look these problems in the eye, and to politely request that they leave the premises before I have to call security.

I am speaking primarily of the deplorable posture exhibited by our nation's terrorist shooting victims.

Like many of us, I stared with shock, horror, and more than a little sheepish embarrassment at the photos of the four Texas oil company workers, their bloody corpses slumped over in their bullet-hole-ridden rental car after being ambushed by a Pakistani extremist group. Besides the additional risks of muscular diseases to which these dead people are subjecting themselves, due to their unwillingness to sit up straight, it just doesn't look good in front of an international audience. It says to the world, "if you use automatic weapons to fire hundreds of bullets into our heads and torsos, we're going to lose all interest in maintaining a professional, presentable appearance." Is that the kind of message we want to send, America?

And what of the families of these victims? I can only imagine the sense of loss, devastation, and most of all, shame, that they must be feeling right now. How can the mothers and fathers of the dead show their faces around their local community now, knowing that everyone must be silently questioning their parenting skills? "We taught him better than that!" they'll cry plaintively, but the camera eye doesn't lie, as people gaze upon the lifeless bodies of their sons, the crimson sanguine fluid dripping down in rivulets from their mangled flesh, their faces frozen in masks of eternal agony, their bodies slouching in a manner so uncouth as to make even the most rebellious adolescent cringe.

This is in no way meant to excuse the terrorists for their actions. I do not condone violence in any form, except in hockey, and on "The World's Scariest Police Chases". But if these maniacs showed a lack of respect to the four Americans by puncturing their vital organs with bagfuls of 30 caliber bullets, not to mention blowing any chance to get the deposit back on that car, then what of the lack of respect shown to us, the taxpayers, by these ersatz representatives of our great land? I think we were all counting on them to be strong in their moment of distress, and show those bastards some good old American bravado. But not only did they fail to remain upright under the brutal barrage of projectiles fired at near-point-blank range, not one of them had the presence of mind to at least flip on some decent music on the radio. Nobody even popped in a tape...and Casey went 0 for 4 on the day.

I'm not one to dwell on the past, though. I like to think I'm a little more forward-thinking than that. I'd prefer to concentrate on finding a solution to this crisis, and make sure than nothing like what happened that fateful day will ever happen again.

Perhaps the solution lies with the design of the cars in which Americans travel while in foreign lands. With the standard headrest installed in most driver and passenger seats, the force of a bullet striking the forehead, shattering the victim's skull and causing instant death while spraying sections of brain about the cabin, tends to make the mutilated remains of the head bounce back forward, with the chin coming to rest on the deceased's chest. While this pose effectively conveys the victim's displeasure with the unfortunate event, it is certainly an eyesore, and makes the person appear to be a defeatist, or worse, a quitter. Removing the headrest is not much better, as evidenced by the shootings outside the CIA building in 1993. In that case, the victim's head, barely attached to the rest of his body by a few remaining gory tendons, lay back on the top of the backrest, giving the appearance of being asleep at the wheel. Certainly an ignoble way to introduce yourself to the watching eyes of the world.

I suggest that tests be conducted to determine an appropriate angle at which the headrest can be pushed back. For instance, a headrest that angled back 35 degrees might provide just the right balance between freedom and support so that the casualty's head can still remain in a very becoming, polite position, even as blood pours in spurts and gushes from its nose and mouth.

But what of the backseat passengers? Well, as anyone who saw the photograph of the aftermath of the attack in Pakistan can tell you, diagonally-strapped seatbelts are just not cutting the mustard. The remains of these citizens lay sprawled out sideways on the upholstery in a most offensive, non-photogenic manner. The answer here is a bit simpler, I believe. Instead of the standard seatbelt, a double-strapped harness, similar to those used by skydivers, might be installed so that the passenger can tie them around his shoulders and chest, ensuring that in the case of militant psychopaths pummeling his helpless, spasming body with assault rifle fire, he will still remain vertical, showing not only good taste, but a great deal of consideration for those left behind.

Remember, though, the car manufacturers can only do so much. In the end, the responsibility lies with you, the future terrorist ambush victim. These attacks rarely happen "all of a sudden", and unless you are unfortunate enough to take the first fatal shot in the head without warning, there is usually plenty of time for you to arrange yourself in a way that will give you the best odds of remaining presentable.

As soon as you hear gunfire, and the first bloody bits of your friend or colleague's skin and muscle start to slap against the smashed windows of your surrogate deathtrap, now is the time to act! I'll leave you now with some helpful tips for this most crucial moment before your ability to think rationally is interrupted by your head being split open by a hollowpoint:


Pinback's Web Central
This page and the contents therein (except where otherwise attributed) are copyright (c) 1997, 1998, by Ben Parrish.
That was in case any of you devious types were thinking of stealing all my cool stuff. So there.
[ Lynx Now! ] This page is Lynx Enhanced, and here's why.
[ OWL Approved! ] This webpage adheres to the specifications set forth by the Optimal Web Layout (OWL) Committee.