12/11/97 - The Last Drop

I don't like to be overtly self-congratulatory, since I am the all-time, undisputed master and galactic overlord of humility, but I hope you've all been noticing how regularly I'm able to get these columns out on time lately. I used to have a problem mustering the discipline to follow through on my promise to bring you mildly amusing, often repulsive and distasteful material on a rigorous, unwavering, weekly-ish schedule. But no more. I have since mended my ways, matured a great deal, and am feeling more and more confident every day that I'll be able to continue this nonsense long past the point when you will have tired of it.

"How did you do it?" you're no doubt asking. "Who are you talking to?" your spouse or coworker is now no doubt asking.

"Did you make a concerted effort to focus more of your precious energies into this column because of the profound sense of purpose it brings to your otherwise meaningless life?" No, that's not it.

"Did you promise yourself that you'd finally start spending some of your evenings at home writing the column, instead of just writing it at your desk at work in between database queries and program compiles?" Warmer... Warmer...

"Did you lose your cushy job that let you sit around at work and write this column all day, and now you have nothing to do but sit around at home and write this column all day?" Bingo!

I'll get more into that later, but first, I'd like to bring to light some of the harsh criticism that I've been receiving about this column as of late. I think that the current pressure on the government to regulate and control "obscene" material on the internet has caused a few bandwagon jumpers to send scathing, expletive-filled epistles (or rather, "e-epistles") to me, accusing me of not providing material that is suitable to children. Personally, I feel that they are full of horseshit, as I believe this site can be just as beneficial to kids as to all you old cocksuckers. However I will address some of their specific concerns here, so as to give the illusion that I give a flying fuck what they think. Then I will go do drugs, which is a lot of fun...

Concern #1: You turn children to Satan, instead of the Lord Jesus.

First of all, it was never my intent to make religious debate one of the fundamental aspects of this humor column. I am simply trying to bring a few smiles to the world that would have otherwise gone ungleeming. My personal feeling is that everyone should have the freedom of choice to decide which wacked-out theory they would like to subscribe to, and no one religion is any better or more valid than any other. And if the kids still want to worship some false god instead of praying to the Dark Lord, my sweet Mephistopheles, thereby ensuring that they are condemned to writhe in the agony of His relentless wrath for all eternity, that's their business.

Concern #2: You talk a lot about tit-fucking, which is not an appropriate topic for youngsters.

I have gone back through the annals of this column, and scoured every last word that I have written, and I can firmly state that I have never once mentioned tit-fucking. Tit-fucking is not a topic that has ever occurred to be to be a suitable one for this column, and in many cases, I have consciously avoided any discussion of tit-fucking for fear that it would serve only as a distraction from other, non-tit-fucking-related content. In fact, in thinking about tit-fucking now, I can not even imagine any way that tit-fucking could be made into something comedic, unless I were to provide a painstakingly detailed and explicit description of tit-fucking, which I am not about to do, because going so far as to provide even the vaguest outline of the method of rubbing a man's penis in between the two, lubricated, mammarous globes of his partner until he ejaculates on her sweating, quivering chin would be exceedingly inappropriate not only for children, but for all self-respecting members of my readership, some of whom have even participated in tit-fucking themselves.

Concern #3: Don't you mean, "some of whom have even, themselves, participated in tit-fucking"?

I certainly hope so.

Now, in a perfect world, these explanations and clarifications would be enough, but I'm sure there's some militant nutcase out there who will not be convinced by the above responses that I am completely and thoroughly dedicated to the mental and emotional prosperity and well- being of our children. Well, at least the ones that I know about. Heh heh.

Therefore, I will now present Kid's Korner, another new feature, in which I will impart some wise and sagacious advice which I hope the children can take to heart, and somehow use to make themselves better, make their lives better, and make this world a better place for all of us...

Kid's Korner Advice for the Week: Carry around a thesaurus wherever you go so you can come up with words like "sagacious" which nobody, including you, knows what it means.

No, wait, that's the Kolumnist's Korner Advice for the Week. Sorry about that. Now, where were we? Ah yes, the...

Kid's Korner Advice for the Week: Never, ever, under any circumstances including death threats, or possibly even death, go to college.

I can almost see the children's little wide-eyed faces gasping in shock as I reveal this morsel of wisdom, which is probably at odds with everything they'd been taught in the past. Don't worry, kids. Uncle Pinback won't steer you wrong. It's your parents and/or legal guardians that are misleading you. This is because they hate you. They called me yesterday and said, "Boy, my life would be so much better without that little bastard sonofabitch (or whore, depending on which gender you are) hanging around." They don't even recognize Beelzebub as their Holy Savior, that's how screwed up those people are. But stick with me, and I'll teach you why this is such great advice.

Basically, avoiding college is your ticket to getting lots of FREE STUFF for years to come. This will come in handy when you are unable to get a job due to your lack of education, but more importantly, it's just a lot of fun. Here's how it works:

College costs money. Money that your selfish parents (who hate you, remember) really would rather spend on long vacations away from you than on furthering your intellectual growth. Hey, can you blame them? Anyway, once they get over the shock of your rebellious refusal to go to college, and remember that they really don't care one way or the other whether you live or die, they will slowly begin to appreciate what you have done for them in terms of their own financial standing.

Now, here's where the famous law of "supply and demand" comes in, which you've probably heard about in school, unless you have quit already, which wouldn't be such a bad idea either. Supply and demand works like this: You can demand that your parents supply you with whatever FREE STUFF you want, providing that you keep reminding them how much money you saved them.

The great part is, college only lasts four years, but because of the continually rising cost of a college education, you can, with sufficient skills of persuasion, continue to get FREE STUFF from your parents well into your late twenties, and possibly early fifties.

Me, I'm still working this system to great effect even after eight glorious years.

And there, two weeks ago, on my kitchen counter, sat the latest fruit of my parental product purchasing persuasion perseverance.

A 12-cup, automatic drip, timer-activated Betty Crocker coffee maker.

I wasn't much of a coffee drinker before I started my job with the Washington Post, but they have sort of an unofficial motto, which is, "You can't put out an incredibly great newspaper unless you've got astonishingly horrendous breath." So in an effort to "join the team", I immediately started downing incredible amounts of the popular caffeinated beverage every morning as soon as I could make my way to the cafeteria. This provided two important benefits, which were: One, bringing the quality of my breath down to a more journalistically credible stench, and two, making sure I was able to stay awake for the long, grueling hours of sitting in the john reading a free newspaper that lay ahead.

I decided to set the Betty out on her maiden voyage by setting the timer to go off at 6:00 AM, Monday morning. I wanted to be just like those happy people in the commercials, who rise out of their beds with warm, contented smiles on their faces, as the delectable aroma of fresh coffee wafts over their perky little selves, instead of how I usually get up, which would be by peeling my drool-encrusted head off my mucus-stained pillow, while wiping random crud from my face and mumbling the "f word", after hitting the "snooze" button between seven and twelve times.

Well, wouldn't you know it, just like clockwork, I had a fresh, steaming pot of fine, Colombian-born coffee waiting for me at precisely 6:00 PM, Monday evening.

I'm very environmentally friendly, so I don't like to waste anything, and it would have been a shame to just pour it all out. Instead, I grabbed one of my bigger styrofoam cups and filled it up with the enticing brown bounty. I took a sip. It was better than I could have ever hoped for. I've had a lot of coffee, and I knew this was special when I didn't immediately recoil from the nauseating taste. It took at least five seconds this time.

It was so very good, in fact, that I proceeded to drink the entire pot, which I enjoyed immensely, except for the part where I was still awake and shaking violently in my bed at four o'clock in the morning. I finally got to sleep at around 8 AM, and slept so soundly that I didn't even hear the many phone calls and angry answering machine messages that were coming in from my boss all day.

It gets ugly from there, but suffice it to say that I'm very proud to now be able to serve you, the faithful PWC audience, better.

And even if you've been able to take nothing else valuable from this column, I want you to remember one thing:

I am a computer programmer with over eight years of experience in the system integration field, and am familiar with a wide range of popular hardware and software. I am a self starter with excellent written communication skills. I am willing to relocate. Call for references.

Pinback's Web Central

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That was in case any of you devious types were thinking of stealing all my cool stuff. So there.
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