Now You Gotta Kiss Me
Yeah, you didn't think I was coming back, did you? Ha ha. There you were, sitting there staring at your list of daily bookmarks you riffle through while pretending you're actually doing any work there at your desk, and you saw this one, and thought, "Heh, he's never coming back. I know what 'We're on vacation for two days' means. Yeah, I know this guy."

You think you know this guy, because you've been watching him for years now. You were one of the original members of his bulletin board system running on an 8088 PC/XT on a 300 baud modem, and you watched how none of them could stay running more than three weeks at a time. You stayed through endless iterations of the "Bull & Finch Pub I, II, III, IIII, IIIII, ...". You stayed through "Ben's Board VI, VII, VIII, ...".

You even got hooked on that stupid Pong FAQ (which, I might add, is showing up on WAY too many websites out there. You people need to get a life.) You got so hooked, you signed up to be on the "Pong FAQ Mailing List" which was brought together after the fifth installment. And there you are, sitting there, still waiting for the sixth. (While I'm here, I just found something called the "REAL Pong FAQ". I'm not sure this is meant to be a subtle dig at me from someone I've never met, but I'll pretend it is anyway, because it makes me feel important.)

Then you stood by me as I created the Perimeter, and watched me struggle with the concept of trying to sound like Dave Barry without actually using the words "I am not making this up". How excited were you to see that I was finally able to make a go at putting out a regular, weekly column without fail? How excited are you now, as you continue to sit, steeping in a pile of your own filth and issue, waiting for the "very special report" about the goddamn Kasparov/Deep Blue match? Hey, it's only been three years. Keep the faith, brother!

All was forgiven, though, when the illustrious Pinback's Web Central was brought to life, wasn't it? He's been through the initiation of trying to actually write on a regular basis, certainly he can keep this one going, right? Even you can now admit that you were taken in by the whole fabricated story of me being fired from my newspaper job and packing up my shit to move to Vegas. And even you can now admit that you still have a browser window open, hitting "Refresh" every few months to see if I ever got out of that Denny's and made it to the west coast. How funny is it, that I actually drove to the west coast before I finished my fake story about driving to the west coast? Only at the PWC, baby! (This reminds me, I would like to once and for all apologize to my dear grandfather, to whom I nearly gave a heart attack with that story. My deepest apologies, pal. But seriously, if you're gonna join the modern age, you have to remember never to trust anything you read on the internet. Come on, man.)

A wiser, more veteran, seasoned Pinback is who you found at the Ben Parrish Memorial Website. Slotted into a position of great pressure and responsibility, surely he will have learned the discipline and fortitude necessary to present to the waiting, watching world, a finely crafted periodic glimpse into his own unique reality. The "daily musings", then, would serve as your window into his soul. The "daily musings" then, would last exactly six days. And he was never heard from again.

Oh, well. Really? Every day, he's gonna write? Hmm. It has been awhile, that's for sure. Maybe this is just the fresh start he needs. A little worldly now, approaching his thirties, perhaps leaving the attention-deficited trappings of youth behind. Drinking more, to boot? Well heck, sure, this is bound to be interesting, and I find I'm more than willing to give it a chance!

Hey, whaddya know, the old boy can still pound a few out now and again when he needs to. He's actually back on the bookmarks. Never thought that would happen again. It's nice to see, too. I love being able to log on from work every day, avoiding all of my responsibilities, and know that I'm gonna be able to log onto that site and get a few laughs and a few insights, when I rea--

"Jetstream is on vacation until 3/23"

Waaaaahahaha. What a dink. Layoooooozer!! Couldn't even last a week and a half this time! Oh, "on vacation", sure. Gee, 3/23, two days from now. That's probably just enough time for him to rationalize away his lack of commitment and complete absence of integrity and reliability, and forget about this place completely, until he does the same crap again in another year and a half and adds Jetstream to the ever-growing list of shit that he could't follow through on if you paid him in strippers and whippets.

But I'm back, baby. Bet ya weren't expecting this, were ya? Better wrap that tail in a mariner's knot between those spindly, quivering legs so ya don't trip over it. Sit back there in awe as you gasp for breath in the face of my overwhelming dependability. Struggle to maintain your composure as you are wracked by the realization that I've just barely managed to beat my self-inflicted deadline by 105 minutes by basically writing an entire column advertising the stuff I've already written.

You try to comprehend, but you can't. The world just doesn't make sense anymore.

There is no hope now. The words circle over you like vultures.

But my TV show's coming on, so I gotta go.