Open Casket
I want to be a star. No, not a rock star, or a movie star, or even the star of a one-act play that travels around the school districts and plays for toddlers in the auditoriums.

I want to be a real star! I want to sit up there, way up high in the sky and just look down upon the world with a smile. I would sleep all day, and let the hustle and bustle go by, and then come out at night and twinkle and shine over everyone and everything, and people could look up at me and smile right back, because they knew I was there.

I would light up lakes with flecks of sparkly white. Show the way to lost travellers with my shine. I would put lovers in the mood for romance as they sat on the shores of the oceans, and little children would come out to look up at me, sing a song and make a wish. No, I couldn't really grant the wishes, but I would sure as heck root right along with them!

Overnight, while everyone slept, I would stand guard to keep them safe from the devils of the darkness, and shoo away the nasty spirits that would come to haunt the aged and crawl under the beds of the young. I would gleam tall and proud, and stand my post while the sun went ahead on its voyage around the world.

As he moved across the oceans and lands and other peoples of the world, I would await his arrival. And when the time came to say goodbye for that night, I would twinkle one last time and wave to the sleepyheads just rising from their beds, and say "See you soon!" as they went on their way.

That is what I want to be. I want to be a star. I would smile over the whole world, and I would be happy.

Because then I wouldn't have to clean that goddamn sink.

Clean the fucking sink, you lazy piece of shit! Good lordy, how long have those pots been sitting there? That crap is so old and moldy, there are bugs and monkeys crawling around in there. Don't even gimme that crap about being "too busy". How long would it take, 30 minutes, tops? Oh, but I guess you couldn't quite stand to miss another episode of the Simpsons that you've already seen sixty-eight times. That film that's developed over everything isn't going to hold the festering grime and filth at bay for much longer. Clean the sink, fer chrissakes! What is the matter with you?

Take out the garbage while you're at it. That kitchen would make rooting pigs feel uncomfortable.

No chicks here again tonight, eh? Wonder if that could have something to do with the haze of fungal spores drifting through the living room from the walk-in petri dish you've established in that sink. Think, maybe? Clean that filthy, disgusting, rotting sink right away. I don't even care that you promised your "fans" you were going to write for them. More people can smell this place from this one building than would read your stuff in a week. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, you green-blooded, inhuman turdburger!

Jesus Christ.

Clean that sink. Dig your hands right into the muck and pull, and pull, and don't stop pulling until the moldy, greasy bits of wiggling meat and quivering grease and old withered slimy vegetables wake up and smell the coffee, that it's time to move on! Everybody out of the pool! Go ahead with your own lives, leave me alone! Clean it! Now!!

Clean the rat-bastard suckhole shitting fucknutty sink, goddammit!!

(I was just kidding. I already cleaned the sink before I sat down to write this. Little update for ya. I have never, ever, never ever ever in my life ever smelled anything that bad before. A half a can of air-freshener and a full ten or twenty doses of "Instant Hand Sanitizer" later, and I can almost stand in this apartment without puking. Welcome to the world of me. I'm gonna attack the bathrooms next.)

(Oooh, Simpsons is on!)