My Satanic Cousin Matt

Dear Dr. Dickfuck,

I work Monday through Friday 9:00am to 5:30pm. I do this for all the obvious reasons, but I also do this to increase my growing collection of crap that sits around my house. I buy these things because I think it will make me feel better. I see something that I think I need or have to have and I get all worked up over it. At the end of the month after I cash make paycheck and pay all my bills I go and blow the rest of it, on whatever it is that has me in want. But once I actually make the purchase the excitement is gone. My life is empty and meaningless. All I do is watch television. I saw this new Sony wide screen on a commercial, I figure it will take me three months to save up for it, on the other hand I did see a beautiful shotgun at Big Five.

Dear Mr. Whoever You Are,

You know, I heard somewhere that the things you own usually end up owning you. I have nothing. I have a car and a computer and a les paul and that's it. The rest of my crap can be easily replaced. That way, if I get a wild hair up my ass and decide it's time to move on, I can. Or, if I kill a bunch of people in a small town and have to flee, I just throw my computer and my guitar into my car and take off home free. I even have a sleeping bag and camping equipment already in the trunk, just in case I have to head for the hills. You should stop buying things now, and save your money so anytime you see a couple whores on the street, you will have the funds to purchase some pussy. You like pussy, right? Good. Any extra money would be better spent on women and/or illegal narcotics. Actually, I saw these dolls on Real Sex TV that are totally lifelike and the tongues move and everything. Tits feel real, ass, etc. So I think one of those would be worth saving for. Anyway, if all you do is watch porn all day, then get the TV. Remember, bigger is ALWAYS better. Always...

SPECIAL BULLETIN: Dr. Dickhead is very depressed and feels he has nothing more to offer the website. I discussed with him last night the fact that we are all, as a whole, completely insignificant. He feels neglected and has started smoking crack. Please, if you have any problems, please ask Dickhead for advise. Otherwise, I feel he is going to commit virtual suicide. Or we could start a poll to determine weather Dickhead stays, or goes. Either way, he's sitting there in his office, getting totally high, possibly on the verge of a mental breakdown. Poor bastard.

Dr. Dickhead,

I love porn. But who doesn't, am I right? OK, well lately I've been checking out fat girls. I'm not sure why, I just find myself clicking on the links that say Fat Ladies Fuck Hard or Chubby Lovers etc. I'm wondering whether I'm a big lady closet lover or just going through a phase. Any advice?

Well sir, actually no. No advice for you. There's definitely something wrong with you but...nope. Can't help you there at all. Yeah. Sorry. NEXT!!!

Dr. Dickhead,

I like to pee on things. I save my pee in bottles, just in case I might want to pour it on something or someone. When I stay at somebody's house, I pee in all the corners of the room. I also like to pee on girls and dogs while they sleep. I don't feel this is a problem, I am just curious to what your thoughts might be on urination.

Dear Pee-Boy,

As long as you do not pee on, or towards me, you can do whatever you want. There are no laws against peeing on dogs. Not in this state at least. The state I am talking about is the state of shock. What kind of disgusting bastard pervert are you? Just kidding. But seriously, you have some kind of territorial dispute going on in your subconscious. You see, dogs, (especially chihuahuas), pee on stuff as a sort of territorial marker. Letting other dogs know that this is mine, and you can not....well, in your case...are you a control freak? Do you beat your girlfriend? I am assuming you are a man. If you are female, please never ever try and contact me again. Thank you.

Dr. Dickhead,

Dr. Dickhead, my cousin is ugly and stupid and he's addicted to gambling and pornography. What should I do?

Well, I would wait until he goes to work. Go to his house and steal all of his shit! Then when he tells you about all his stuff that is now gone, you can tell him you just purchased all that stuff and you'll sell it all to him for half price! What a bargain! See just how far he'll go and tell him you'll give him all the stuff for free, as long as he signs over his everlasting gamble-happy soul to you. Be creative!

Dr. Dickhead,

Dear Dr. Dickfuck, I mean Dickhead. I like to fart. I like to smell my own farts. I want to share my farts with everyone. I told my girlfriend I had a zit in the crack of my ass and needed her to inspect it. She asked me where it was. I told her to look closer. she got real close, I grabbed her head and shoved her pretty little face in my ass crack. Then I blew a big wet burrito fart all over her. She acted like she didn't like it.That really pissed me off, cause I know she was lying. If there is one thing I can't stand, it is a lying bitch! You see, I know all women are liars, that's no secret. But to lie when its not necessary at all, shows a chronic illness. I have no tolerance for this kind of thing. It makes me sick to my stomach and dizzy. This feeling was a direct result of her lying. So I decided to punish her. I guess I went a little over board, cause I accidentally broke her arm. LOL Well I guess my question to you Dr. Dickhead is.. Should I share my farts with other women, or just smell them under the covers by myself?

Dear Fartfuck, everyone, especially women, love the smell of farts. That's why when someone says, "I farted", everyone sticks their nose up in the air just to get a little whiff so they can lie and complain about it. "That's disgusting", they say. Well, why were you trying to smell it then? You see, this goes way back to the Native Americans. They used to play a game much like yours. People still play it now. Some call it, Snuggles. I call it, enhaling methane gas at close range. Anywho, here's another example. When, for whatever reason, you stick your finger up your ass. You don't immediately go wash it off, do you? No, you don't. Ladies? You bring it close to your nosetrills and you deeply sniff. Not just a little sniff. No; two or three sniffs. Then you finally wash it off, or you go shake your friend's hand. So there you go. By all means, share and share alike. That's what I always say.

Dr. Dickhead,

Since your friend will be gone this evening...can we have wild adventurous sex all night all over the house?

Please sir, do not sexually harass or tempt the doctor in any way. His heart is weak and he's building a tolerance for his medication. Actually, the good (bad) Dr. has a girlfriend. To find out more about Alexis, Dr. Dickhead's lovely lady, stay tuned! There will soon be an article posted to drive away all the homosexuals and perverts who read this awful, godforsaken site, and who continuously hit on me and make me feel so cheap. Thank (Fuck) you.

Dr. Dickhead,

I hate my boss and everyone at my workplace. And almost everyone else, too. I'd like to go on a killing spree, but I'm afraid of going to jail (they pee in a cup and then throw it on you. I saw that in a movie). Any advice?

If you work for a law firm, go ahead and start killing! Everyone will be on your side in the end, trust me. If you work anywhere else, you can do what I do and eat the bottle after you finish your beer at lunch. If that doesn't work, you can try meditation. If that doesn't work, watch Taxi Driver over and over until you memorize every line in the movie. Then, use those lines at appropriate times during your day and make yourself laugh while everyone else sits and wonders what you're talking about. Then glare at them, grimacing...menacing. Then maybe they'll cease to bother you. About the pee...if you drink it, they'll consider you 51/50 and...oh fuck it. Kill them all!

Dr. Dickhead,

Is shrimp scampi properly made with butter, or with olive oil?

Well, I know there's butter in it. I'm pretty sure it's oily. Why don't you stop cooking and go buy yourself an illegal firearm? That would be the "wise" thing to do. (Ass.)

Dr. Dickhead,

Hey stupid dickhead fucking bastard. So what's the deal? What are we doing here anyway besides wasting our time? What's wrong with you? When are you going to say it's okay to start killing? It's getting very hard to cope in such a stupid society. It's almost unjust even having any kind of knowledge because then all it makes you do is realize you are amongst an elite few and are being ruled by the masses of followers and fools who can't decide on anything except to stay with the fucking program? What does it all mean?

Well .. I would like to avoid Prison & Death for as long as possible. Although I know these things will be my ultimate end. If you kill ..nobody can know. It's human instinct to get recognition & praise for deeds well done. So if you want to send me a finger from the left hand of a victim, I will praise you, I will say what a good job you have done, what a clever mind you have, what nerves of steel you have to pull off such a vicious thing. Then I will be inspired and have to do the same. So begins the "Murder Club" & the cycle of our true essence.

Have a question for Dr. Dickhead? Email it to me, and the Doctor will get back to you as soon as possible!