The PWC2 Introduction

1995 was a pretty good year for me. I mean, in the span of 12 little months, I:

• Became a licensed pilot.
• Got in a band and became a rock star.
• Got my first serious-type girlfriend.

But, I mean, this has been a whole year. I know I must have done something in that time, but I'll be damned if I can remember a sonofabitching thing that happened. I think at some point I got my car washed. And I vaguely remember eating a cheeseburger or something somewhere in there. But past that, the last year is an absolute blur, which is pretty impressive when you consider that normally for something to blur, it has to have been in motion. Which, believe me, I was not.

This is no good, though. A famous philosopher once said, "The unexamined life is not worth writing about on your website." And with you good people to consider, it's obvious that this will not do.

So listen up, cuz here's the news. 2002 is going to be major. Major, I tell you. Things are really gonna be turning around over here at the Parrish compound, and I want you to be a part of it. I want you to be involved. I want you there watching my every move, so as to provide impetus for me to actually do any of these things, lest I risk your merciless and unending scorn as a result of any failures on my part. Yes, you're in this too, so pay attention.

At irregular intervals throughout the year, I will recap any progress towards these goals, and at the end, I will judge and rate my performance appropriately. These are exciting times, my friends. Especially if you happen to be me. But without further ado:

ITEM 1: Get my pilot's license current again. I mean, this was just stupid. What was the point of spending four years, and definitely more than $4000 to get a pilot's certificate if you're just going to fly around five or six times afterwards and then quit? That was like six years ago, the last time I flew. I remember, because the day I went to the airport, we got to see a plane crash-land on the very runway I was going to be taking off in an hour later. And then once up in the air, the airplane malfunctioned and I almost ended up crash-landing myself. But come on. I did it in the first place because, while I'm a little scared of actually flying, I love flight! Any of my neighbors that sit there for hours every night watching and making fun of me as I play Flight Simulator 2002 know that! I cannot be held down by the grappling tendrils of gravity. I must be free. As a bird, now.

ITEM 2: Move. This is, I think, only the second time since I left my dad's basement almost fourteen years ago, that I've lived in any one home/apartment for more than a year. And I have to tell you, I don't like it. I have to get out. Also, the rent is obnoxiously high where I live, and for what I'm getting, it's doubly obnoxious. Fortunately, this fits in with another ITEM which I will get to shortly, but don't read ahead. Now, other than the occasional gunfight, this apartment building is nice, don't get me wrong. It has lots of amenities. Thing about me, though, is that I tend to use lots of amenities the first month or so that I live somewhere, but then after that, they start failing to amenite me. And if I'm not going to be amenized, then there's no reason to pay for it.

ITEM 3: Get my finances in order. This encompasses a number of things. First thing is, that at any given time, I have no idea how much actual money I have, or how much I'm spending, or how much I have spent, or how much I am going to spend, and on what. This makes me tend to feel a tad, I don't know... disorganized. So, there will be no more of this. There will be budgets which will be rigorously stuck to. There will be records of expenditures. There will be numbers, and lines, and even an occasional chart or two. And those numbers will change, due to:

ITEM 3a: Spend less money. I am referring here to "incidentals", things which create the standard of living to which I've become accustomed. Transient costs which tend to be small and unnoticed, but which I am nearly sure are siphoning absurd amounts of money out of my account by year's end. Rent, of course, is the big one. But then there's food, housewares, stuff like that. And then there's things like electricity, of which I'm sure I'm more wasteful than necessary. And phones, which I know I'm not getting the best (or even, a decent) rate for. Christ, I went online the other day and saw that every month, I was getting deducted $25 for an internet dating service which I hadn't visited in six months. So, no more of that. Time to tighten things up and start behaving as responsibly as any 22 year-old punk straight out of college would. Which is not to say I'll be a penny pincher, since one of my other tasks is to:

ITEM 3b: Spend more money. With these incidental costs reduced, I will have more to play with. And this is something I always have to remind myself of. I rarely buy *things*, even things that I would like, because I think I'm being thrifty. This makes no sense, of course, when you consider how fast and loose I am with my daily spending cash. But with 3a out of the way, I can focus once again on purchasing products and services which would really make a difference, and would significantly enhance my quality of life. Like, flight lessons. Or like, musical equipment. Which brings me to:

ITEM 4: Record some music. I don't think anyone can deny the fact that I am a musical genius. But with very few exceptions, that talent has been used almost exclusively to entertain myself, as I just sit down for a few minutes while my porn is downloading and bang out a little tune, or just doodle around on the keys for awhile making fun noises. This seems somewhat wasteful, and while I don't owe the world a goddamn thing, I would like to actually create some reproduceable, organic pieces of music that can be played and replayed and enjoyed the world over. The only reason I haven't done this already is because I could not bring myself to go out and buy a cheap-ass little four-track recorder, because it would cost too much. Now that I'll be "righting the ship", we can laugh about this absurd line of thinking. Go ahead. Laugh.

ITEM 5: Get a new fucking job. If any of my bosses are reading this, I'm just kidding around. I'm also kidding around when I say that I absolutely have to get out of here or I am going to start hiding explosives in my shoes when I come here. Which reminds me, whether I get that new job or not, I'm definitely going to:

ITEM 6: Work better. I suppose the best way to explain this one is to point out that I'm writing this entire thing at work, after having spent the morning doing nothing, and after having gone to the pub for a couple of pints for lunch. And after I'm done with this, I'm heading right out. A lot of this has to do with the awfulness of my job, as I've actually done some excellent work for previous employers, and even previous projects at this place. But that's still no excuse for this shoddy work ethic. Which I am of course kidding about, if you are either a current or potential employer of mine.

ITEM 7: Get laid at least five times. Surely a perennial favorite. Not much to say about this. I assume once the pilot's license is good to go, and I've cut a few albums, this one will just sort of fall into place. One thing's for sure, though: After that fifth time, the bitch has got to go.

ITEM 8: Write more. Another favorite from years gone by. Maybe what I can do is start writing a little daily journal of my life. You know, every day I scribble down a few notes and slap it up here on the web for everyone to read. That actually might work!

ITEM 9: Cook more. I need to be specific about this. Often what I do when I'm ready to cook something is, head for my bookcase to start looking for a delightful recipe. But before I get there, I notice my refrigerator. And then I notice that there's a beer in the refrigerator, which I begin to drink. While I'm doing this, I watch the Food Channel, to see if I can "pick up some pointers". At the end of the show (and usually, another beer or two), I decide that, fuck it, I don't need "recipes" to create a fabulous meal. I'm an artist, goddammit! So off to the store I go, where I pick up some random ingredients, come back to the kitchen, and begin to brush with broad strokes on the canvas which is my kitchen. The result of this experiment is a wonderful, incredibly tasty meal which validates my own self-assurance. Unfortunately, this is the result only one out of every fifteen or twenty times. The other times what we are left with is a godawful mess which smells and tastes like a 7-11 exploded. So, ITEM 9 is, cook more, and from recipes, and with measured ingredients, and wacky concepts like that. Quit screwing around.

ITEM 10: Local travel. California and its surrounding regions have some of the most breathtaking, fabulous scenery to be found anywhere in the country, and in fact, the world. And I have seen none of it. I have seen my apartment, and the stairway into the garage, and the driving range, and the Ralph's grocery store near where I work. But that's about it. So I really need to get out there.

I think that's enough for now. I would like to point out, in my own defense, that "Lose some fucking weight" is not on this list, for the first time in many years. So while the above list surely paints a picture of me as a pathetic, inert loser who seems to have dedicated himself to the cause of wasting his entire life, I can proudly say that I am wasting it 20 pounds lighter than I used to.

Do stop by from time to time to check in on my progress. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised! Or I'm going to blow my brains out!