The PWC2 Introduction

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

I have a dream that, as one people together in the eyes of the Lord, we do not simply walk through this life, but instead run through it, as in a race. And I have a dream that at some point in this race, we all have occasion to stumble and fall. And after we stumble and fall, we are unable, no matter how hard we try, to get back up again, as the other competitors run by us, and the audience points at us and laughs, until we crawl along the ground to the finish line.

I have a dream that my parents, and my parents' parents, and all of my brothers and sisters, nephews and cousins, are not my family at all, but instead belong to an ancient alien race which came unto the Earth seventy-four million years ago, and who have been conspiring against me all that time, until I figure it out, and escape from their compound and alert the authorities, except then the authorities are also members of the alien race.

I have a dream that I am shaped like a giant marshmallow, and fly all over the city all day fighting crime, by smothering the perpetrators with my white, fluffy marshmallow flesh. And upon smothering the criminal, I then absorb his matter into my own, making me an even larger crime-fighting, flying marshmallow.

I have a dream that, left alone in a barn with my best friend Doug from fourth grade, we begin sexually experimenting with each other. Except I don't think it was really me, I think I was actually some gay guy I once knew, so I'm pretty sure that this doesn't make me gay.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that, upon arriving home from a business trip, I spend all night walking around the airport parking garage, but no matter how long or where I look, I cannot locate my car. I then come across a ride on the top level of the garage which consists of a long tube that you get into which looks like a water slide, except there's no water, and it's supposed to take you directly to your car. So I get in it, but before it starts, it forces you to pick a sitcom character to talk to you during your trip. I then select Homer Simpson, and the ride begins. In no more than fifteen seconds, I find myself standing right next to my car, which as it turns out, was in the parking garage at Portland International, rather than LAX, where the ride started. I have a dream in which I then get in the car to begin the long drive home from Portland to Los Angeles, but the battery is dead.

I have a dream in which I own two cats who, on a daily basis, give birth to between ten and twenty kittens. In order to avoid being overrun by kittens, I put them into a machine which converts them into stone kitten statues, which are then purchased by a strange man with long hair who collects stone kitten statues. Eventually, however, the kittens begin taking strange forms. One with three heads, one kitten that's five feet tall, one that looks like a giant fly, rather than a kitten, etc. At this point, I leave the apartment and never come back.

I have a dream that I am blessed with a superpower that allows me to, without touching them, magically bury small objects two inches underground, wherever they are sitting. I have a dream in which for some reason this seems like a really cool thing to be able to do.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that the really pretty, cute coworker I had six years ago finally declares her hidden passion for me, and we immediately dash off to a Caribbean island which I own, since I bought it with all the money I made from eSave, and prepare to spend the rest of our lives there in the warm tropical sun, with all of our whims instantly catered to, and making sweet, sweet love all day and night for the rest of eternity.

And then the goddamn alarm goes off.