As I sit here at my computer, a few things have sprouted into my mind. Last week was very different for me. I was in pain all day. I couldn’t move, even though I knew if it came down to it, I absolutely could. The night before was as bad as it gets. The side effects of the poison (or medicine depending on your profession) had wreaked havoc with my psyche and my body. My shivering was at an all time high as well as the convulsions and sweats, but I’m told that that is what people like me have to endure. It’s par for the course; the bad for the ultimate good…and that may very well be true. The few times that I have had “it” that bad, the weeks following were nothing compared to it. They were better and less stressful. I wasn’t even sick and in pain the next day. A respite until the next episode.

Fast forward to this week where the symptoms were tolerable and the pain was less. And as I sit here at my computer I came to the conclusion that the symptoms I’m having are not any less than previous weeks. It’s that last week was so terrible any lessening is a godsend. Because I have tasted worse. I know what worse pain feels like. I am thankful that I did not feel the agony of the week before. So my psyche, that in previous weeks said to me that I was “in pain” and “can’t move,” is now saying “see? It’s not so bad. It can always get worse and sorry, kid, it probably will.”

And as I sit here in this knowledge, knowing what true pain feels like, I am peaceful knowing that it can always get worse. The worst pain I have felt, is nothing compared to what is come. And I will endure. I will conquer it. And the pain of last week will be the godsend answer to pain I will come to know. In that knowledge I have found a reason and purpose to endure: it proves I live. I am strong to know that this pain is proof I am living. At least for today. Tomorrow I could read this and think “what a crock of shit. What was I smokin’ that day?”