I am continually dismayed by most modern feminist rhetoric, which consists largely of male- and society-bashing under the guise of a quest for equality. Men, or "society", are portrayed as being in control and striving to keep us in our place. We, on the other hand, are portrayed as underdogs at best, victims at worst; and our responsibility, we are told, is to use every means at our disposal to force the establishment to promote and accept "gender equity" in all aspects of private and public life.

The thing that strikes me most strongly about this is the lack (dare I say avoidance) of acknowledgement in these feminist writings of any responsibility by women for the condition in which we find ourselves. Nearly all of the actions that the feminists recommend have to do with changing the attitudes and behaviors of men, government and other elements of the establishment. Virtually none of it encourages us to exercise the superior power that we already possess and is uniquely our own.

In this country at least, and, I believe, in most of western civilization, the "achievement" by women of "gender equity" would result in a substantial diminution of the power we already have. Specifically, and with absolutely no exceptions, each and every man, and each member of the establishment whose attitudes and behavior our feminist sisters would have us change, is one of our children. And with negligibly few exceptions, each and every one of those children is the result of both a consensual sex (or in-vitro fertilization) act and a child-bearing act on our part.

To put it another way, we choose the men who will father our children, and, in part as a consequence of this choice, in part because of other choices we make, we ultimately are responsible for the way those children are raised-- the attitudes and behaviors that the children are exposed to and, more often than not, the attitudes and behaviors that they eventually adopt. And it is these grown-up children who now make up the establishment and who now are the spouse- and child-abusers among us.

What more power can we possibly ask for? What more power do we need? These men, and other members of the establishment whose attitudes and behaviors feminists so despise, are the way they are largely as a result of the choices we women have made and the actions we have taken or avoided in the past. With few exceptions¹, if the establishment does not behave in ways that we deem appropriate, we have only ourselves to blame.

But this essay is not about blame. It is about encouraging women to make the choices, and take the actions, now and in the future, that will result in our achieving what we want most. For me, this is a nation (and later a world) at peace with itself, in which all members of society are treated with dignity and respect. For the reader it might be something else. But for most of us, I think, it includes women being treated with the full measure of respect and dignity that we deserve. To achieve this, there are a relatively few things we must learn and do:

1. We must learn to choose our male friends wisely, and teach our daughters to do the same.

Many men are either presently or potentially some combination of tyrannical, abusive, violent, alcoholic, disrespectful, and other derogatory adjectives that many of us have used in the past to describe those of the opposite sex. But not all men are the current or incipient posessors of such traits.

It is up to us to learn to distinguish the men who will ultimately cause us grief from those who will ultimately bring us true comfort, support and satisfaction; and then to avoid the former while cultivating, if we so choose, the latter. Although the formal educational system in our country has not attempted to address this vital issue, there is ample information available on this subject, much of which is accessible on the Internet, in technical journals, and through social service programs, among other places.

Unfortunately, I have not found any one publication in which there is an authoritative, researched-based, compendium of the behavioral characteristics to be alert for in selecting a potential male friend or consort. Perhaps such a publication is presently deemed too politically sensitive to see the light of day. Perhaps one day I or others will create such a document by extracting information from the relevant literature. For the present, each of us must do this research on her own.




2. We must learn what it takes to maintain a fruitful and caring relationship.

   Finding men who will be supportive and treat us as equals (or betters) is not enough. We need to do our part to make the relationship successful. Both the popular literature and technical journals are awash with information about how to accomplish this. And, in many cases, simply following our instincts will do the job.

   
   

3. We must learn what it takes to raise physically and emotionally healthy, caring and self-respecting offspring.

The keys here include:

• Selecting the biological father.

All men are not created equal. Some, by virtue of their genetic heritage, have the instrinsic potential to be more intelligent, productive and healthier than others. Conversely, by virtue of their genetic heritage, some are more likely to be aggressive and abusive than others. To improve the chances that our offspring will lead healthy and satisfying lives, we need to select as the fathers of those offspring men with genes consistent with those outcomes. To build a world in which aggression and abuse no longer exist, we need to avoid choosing as the fathers of our children men whose genes are consistent with those outcomes.




• Selecting the parental father ², if any.

If one intends to create a traditional family, i.e., one with a mother, a father, and one or more children, it is essential to select as the partental father, a man who will provide a positive role model, and who has, or is able and willing to acquire, the knowledge about the effects of his behavior and attitudes on the children, and the skills to apply that knowledge consistently. As importantly, the man must be free of manifest or potential abusive tendencies. It is sadly the case that one can often not readily discern the degree to which the candidate male parent possesses either these negative or positive characteristics. As I suggested above, it is up to us both to gain in-depth knowledge about secondary indicators of these personality attributes, and then to evaluate the candidate male (or other) parent's behaviors and attitudes with respect to these criteria.




• Understanding the causal relationship between the attitudes and behaviors of parents and those of their children.

Regardless of whether we are raising our children in partnership with one or more other adults, it is essential that we and he/she/they have a comprehensive understanding of the relationship between parental behaviors and attitudes and those of the children who learn from us. If we want a son who will not grow up to be an abuser and disrespecter of women and children then we and the other adults around him must provide an environment that discourages such tendencies. If we want our daughters to grow up respecting themselves, then we must provide an environment that reinforces those feelings. There is ample information available from which we can discover how to provide such environments. This is another instance, however, in which it is best to learn from objective research rather than following our instincts.




• Having sufficient resources that the child can experience a safe and healthful physical environment.

In the long run, all the parenting knowledge and ability in the world is not enough to ensure the long-term emotional and physical well-being of a child. We need also to surround the child with an environment that is long on security and short on fear and uncertainty, and an environment in which healthful food, good preventive and corrective medical care, and adequate shelter are the norm.




4. We must do what it takes.

In steps 1 through 3, above, I outlined three things we must learn if women are ultimately to be treated as equals (or betters), and if we are to reduce violence, disrespect and abuse in our personal lives. Acquiring this knowledge is only the precursor for the more difficult task that confronts us: applying that knowledge in the important choices we make in our lives.

• Selecting a male (or other) companion, if any.

If we want to be treated with respect by our male (or other) companions, we must avoid those who will treat us disrespectfully. If we don't want to end up in an abusive relationship, we must avoid males who will ultimately abuse us. If we learn the signs to watch for, as discussed in paragraph 1, above, and we ignore these signs, we will have noone to blame but ourselves.




• Deciding whether or not to have children.

Each of us must learn and understand her own intrinsic capacities, strengths and weaknesses, and compare them with those required to be an effective parent: one who can assure that her children will have the personal and physical environments conducive to their emotional and physical well-being; one who will bear and raise sons who will grow up respecting women as equals, and abhoring violence; and one who will bear and raise daughters who will grow up with a deep and abiding sense of self-respect.

Besides knowing ourselves, and our abilities regarding the daunting task of raising emotionally healthy children, we must also determine whether we will have access to the biological and parenting fathers (and/or others) that are crucial to assuring the children's physical and emotional well-being; and whether we will have the financial and other tangible resources necessary to provide the children with appropriate nourishment, health care, and security. If we are not certain that we can provide all of these things for our prospective children, we should not bear them. Else we run the great risk of creating abusive sons and self-loathing daughters, and perpetuating that which we so desire to extinguish.




• Teaching our once and future daughters.

As children and young women, many of us found the daring, dashing and dangerous male to be exciting and attractive. I suspect that it is in our genes to do so. But whether or not my supposition in this regard is correct is not important. What is important is that we help our daughters understand these feelings in themselves, and, while not discounting or dismissing their feelings, help them learn productive ways to act, and not act, on these feelings while they continue to mature.

To summarize:

• If we learn to identify the characteristics of men (and others) who will disrespect and abuse us, and if we then avoid relationships with such people, we will cease to be disrespected and abused.
• If we learn to discern the characteristics of men who will make good biological and parental fathers, and we bear children only by and with these men, we will eliminate spousal and child abuse within our own families.
• If we bear and raise children only when both we and our partners have learned, and are capable of applying, the priniciples and skills necessary for effective child-rearing, and when we can assure a physical enviornment that is safe, secure and healthy, then our sons will incorporate caring, respect and non-violence in the core of their beings, and our daughters will develop the self-esteem that they deserve.

If we women do these things, and we can do them if we redirect some of the energy that we are now devoting to changing others ("men", "the establishment", "society", etc.) to educating and changing ourselves, then, within three or four generations, violence and poverty will have been nearly eradicated in this country, and we will no longer be fighting to achieve equality-- our position as the more powerful of the sexes will have become apparent to all.

On the other hand, if we continue to deal only with the symptoms of our own failure to effectively exercise our power, and if we continue to spend our energies trying to change others, then the division between the sexes will continue to deepen; violence as the means for dealing with frustration will continue to gain popularity; homelessness and poverty will contine to increase; and three or four generations from now, we will still be fighting for gender equity.

¹ These exceptions include genetic or medical anomalies such as males born with XYY chromosomes, making them exceptionally prone to aggressive behavior.

² Needless to say, the biological and parental father need not be the same person. But I've just said it anyway.