Ode
Once in an epoch, a beautiful work of art and genius is sent to us, to bring great joy and peace into our lives. Something, some... wonderful gift, made available to each and every one of us, enriching our lives, cleansing our souls, and giving great hope to all people of all lands! I am here now to bring due praise to this gift which hath been bestowed upon us, the most grateful flock.
It is a purely natural occurrence which has throughout the ages mystified and soothed mankind in a shining embrace of comfort and warmth. It is a thing of such pristine elegance and indescribable perfection that to even consider reducing it to mere words is both a tragedy and travesty alike! It is such that to write about it here is almost too much to bear! Oh, I weep from the beauty of its ethereal light, forever casting its rays of redemption upon my darkened essence. Forgive me, for I am not worthy to discuss these things. I fear I will pay for this transgression, but damn the Fates, this must be said!
Let these scribblings of a poor, withering man serve as notice that there is wonder and marvel in the world, if not in our streets or our cities or countries, at least here, in this one, singular, heart-wrenchingly beautiful and perfect creation. Here now I dare to speak its name. To do so is to my shame, but I cannot bear the silence any longer! I'll shout out now to all the peasants and kings across the land! All praise be to...
Beef jerky!
Oh, the sinewy strips of dried, flavored 100% beef steak -- is there greater joy? Every salty fiber of your tender, yet chewy morsels brings a heavenly light to every little teeny bit of my being. I have seen true happiness, and its name is Hydrolyzed Corn and Wheat Gluten Proteins. Not to mention Brown Sugar and Garlic Powder. Oh, Garlic Powder, will you ever reveal your tantalizing secrets?
Which enriches me more, your 22% of the recommended daily allowance of protein per serving, or your ever-so-reasonable 1 gram of fat? Is there greater happiness to be found in other food items with similar nutritional characteristics? Is your sodium content, while not particularly low, at least within allowable limits, once your unfettered world of good taste is release into our waiting, beckoning maws?
Yes, bring the bags. Pemmican. Oberta. Let the names ring throughout the valleys and forests for all to hear! The word must be spread, and be spread it shall, by naught but my voice if necessary. The world shall know the pure ecstasy that awaits them at but 280 calories for a 4 oz. serving, which seems like more than it is, because you have to chew it for like hours and stuff, until your jaw muscles are like tire rubber--
But let not my mad ramblings interfere with the purity of this moment, as I declare, once and for all: To you, beef jerky, I praise my all-encompassing, undying faith, appreciation, and love! Hallelujah!!
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(Only the hickory-smoked kind, of course. That peppered crap tastes like rectum.)
Oh, joy of existence upon the earthly plane! It is to the divine power's shimmering grace that I sing to today, to celebrate one of the greatest creations!
COPYRIGHT 2001 BY BEN PARRISH