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Topanga

Part I

What the hell is this guy's problem?

Come on, it's been a long day, we had some shipment problems in the warehouse so I had to stay packing product for an extra two hours, it's nine PM, I've already missed the start of "ER", and I'm just trying to get home, man. And now I got this guy in front of me. What's the speed limit here? 35, right? And we're going what, 34? Does this guy live in America or what? Goddamn it.

Yeah, I know my hi-beams are on. I'm hoping he'll get the hint eventually, that it's okay to occasionally press the big pedal on the right once or twice before he dies. On this winding road through town, though, people get the idea that they're going to be saving lives by slowing down, but Jesus, the people who live here know the drill as well as I do. Humans stay off the fucking road, and cars get the hell through town and get out of their faces.

Sure, the scenery is beautiful, but it's pitch black outside and you can't see any of it, so step on the goddamn gas, you asshole! What, oh, now he's slowing down and waving his hands like he's pissed about the hi-beams. Why don't you just pull over?!

Well, at least we're coming up on our turn. Then we can start making some decent time, and maybe I can get back before they introduce Sally Field's character. God, I hate missing the beginning of TV shows. I waited all week for this "special episo--

Oh, you gotta be kidding. You gotta be fucking kidding. Don't go into the turn lane DON'T GO INTO THE TURN--. Terrific. Now we have to deal with this jackass for another five miles. And this road's even more convoluted and winding than the last one. I wonder what he's going to do on this, maybe TEN miles an hour?

Fuck this, hold on honey. We're making a move.

Ha ha!! Did you see that? Damn, I've made that move a few times before, but never quite that slick. Before he'd even made the turn, I was already blowing past him. I think I saw him look left out the driver's side and wonder what sort of alien speed demon just overtook him. Loser. I don't know why these people insist on clogging up our streets. Our streets, honey! Why don't they take the goddamn freeway, anyway?

Look, at that, it's been what, 30 seconds, and we're already like a mile ahead of him. Can you even see his headlights? Because I can't. What a-- oh, wait, there he is. Holy crap, he's still back next to the horse farm! I love how this road goes up the mountain so you can see exactly where all the old ladies are stuck on the scary curves below you. Later, granny!

Almost there. Damn, I love this road. Hard left, hard right, it's like a video game! Turn the radio, I wanna hear something good. 9:07... Almost home.

What are those? Behind us, yeah. Headlights? That can't be the same guy. No, I didn't see anyone turn in ahead of him, but that can't be the same guy. He's like two miles back, and we've been making some seriously good time tonight. Oh well, whatever. We're almost over the mountain, and then it's nothing but downhill skiing all the way home.

What is this guy doing? Look, look how when he turns the corner it looks like the headlights are tilting to one side. Jesus, he must be doing 40 around those hairpins. That can't be the same guy. Is that the same guy?

Is he... what the fuck!? That's him? Why is he doing this? I'm just trying to get home after a hard day, and this jackass is trying to run me down on my own hometown road? I swear, these are the sort of people that end up getting people killed. Yeah, he's probably drunk, too. How come there's never a cop around when you want one?

Alright, we're over the mountain, finally. Hopefully he's-- goddamn it!, he's almost right behind us! What the hell is he trying to do? Goddamn crazy is what he is, and-- what, oh, now he's got his hi-beams going? Hey, fuck you, asshole. Sorry, honey, but this guy is really pissing me off. Now he's just trying to get back at me or something insane like that. Get the...

Get the fuck off my ass, goddamn it!!

What? Honey, I'm being as careful as I fuck-- No, wait, I'm sorry, I just... goddamn it, get off my ass and turn those fucking beams off, motherfucker!

This is bullshit. Hold on, honey.

[[ screeeeeeeeeeetcch ]]

HA HA!! How do you like THAT, mother FUCKER?! Stopped you dead in your scum-sucking tracks, didn't I? Yeah, you're staying a nice comfortable distance behind me now, ain't ya! Maybe now you'll think twice before driving around acting like a goddamn madman again.

I'm sorry about the language, honey. No, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at him. I'm sorry I scared you, really. Come on, let's just go home and try to relax, and watch TV.

That'll teach him, anyway.

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