*** UPDATE, 1/30/2001 : This is either a great idea, or a horrifically tragic miscalculation, but I have here *sworn testimony* by one of your fellow Matchmakerettes, attesting to the fact that you could possibly do worse than good ol' BP653. You wouldn't hire someone without checking their references, would you? Well, here's mine. As Dave Barry once said, I swear I am not making this up:

"While we here in jersey are beside ourselves with grief, the ladies on the west coast have recieved the benefit of our loss, namely one Benny "Pinback" Parrish. I am one of few jersey girls who was smart enough to crack the nut of benny. Pun totally and completely intended. Benny has an amazing quick wit, charming, but not at all a player. A romantic loner, talented musician and amazing lover, whose only flaw may perhaps be that he's clueless about just how wonderful he is. There is some difficulty overcoming his intense shyness but, be patient ladies and endure, it will be worth it." - Name Withheld to Protect the Innocent

And now back to our regularly scheduled personal ad...

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Alright, well, first of all, I'm dispensing with the rest of the questions, because they're all rather goofy. So now it is upon me to construct the Perfect Personals Ad. I've asked around and asked around, trying to determine just what the Perfect Personals Ad (PPA) consists of. All of the answers have been different, and most of them have contradicted each other.

Therefore, I've decided to give you a choice. Peruse the following selection of ads, and select the one that was written in the style which most appeals to you. This way, everybody wins! Here we go:

NEWSPAPER CLIPPING: Hello. I am a 29yo N/S SWM recently relocated to southern California, ISO N/S SWF, ages 23-32, for friendship, companionship, more? Enjoy music, movies, cooking, writing, tennis, golf, etc. Good natured, sarcastic, funny, warm, looking for same. All rights reserved.

OBNOXIOUS GUY: Hey there! Thanks for reading my profile! I'll try to make it as funny and interesting as possible, so in case, you know, I don't "do it for you", at least you'll be entertained, right? Ha ha! Anyway, hey, I just got into town a few months ago, with a new home and a new job, and my social circle has been, shall we say, a little small, so I wanted to come on here and try to change that! But enough about me, let me tell you a little more about me! Ha ha!

I'm 29 years old, and as you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a comedian! I just love to laugh, and I love to make other people laugh. Do you like to laugh? Well, heck, who doesn't! But I have a serious side too, I just hope nobody ever has to see it! Ha ha! Anyway, I enjoy all sorts of thing, like playing tennis, playing music (not a drugged-out rock star type or anything, hehe), cooking, going out to nice restaurants, or just sitting at home with a nice companion enjoying a quiet evening together. I'm sure that's what everyone else says, but I really mean it! HAHAHA!!!

Anyway, check out my picture up there. It's not the best picture, of course, but it's the best I could do with that little Quickcam thingy. And if you want to know anything else about me, hey, I'd love to hear from you, so just press that little "send letter" button and get to it! Ha ha!!

HARD-BITTEN DEFEATIST: You know, I could go on and on about myself, but what difference is it gonna make. I mean, the men on this website have it tough. I know all you women get hundreds of letters every day, and gee, that sure sounds rough, but think how it is for us. We send out all these letters, tenuously written, trying to walk some tightrope between sounding TOO interested and sounding completely blase, hoping just for a bite or two, and then we have to log on to see "Replied: No, Deleted: Yes" fifty-three times in a row. I don't know any man strong enough to be able to take that without even the slightest tinge of self-doubt or despair. So take pity. I mean, you all say you want "a great sense of humor, honesty, loyalty, sensitivity", and believe me, I got all that in spades. But still I get to see "Sorry, your mailbox is empty" every day. Yeah, so how will writing clever little responses to these essay questions change that? Ah, forget it.

GUY WHO THINKS HE'S BEING CLEVER: I was trying to think of how to write about myself to tell you what you need to know. But I think this poem says it best...

As you browse the long listings of guys on this page,
I hope you'll consider this wisdom, so sage:
"Beware of the men who insist that they're smart,
That just means they'll warn you right before they fart."
So happy to see, then, you've landed on me,
I'll make the best of this opportunity
By writing this idiotic poem to you,
I hope you'll write back, or else I'll be blue.
I'll read any letters you happen to send,
Just please, let this moronic poetry end.

GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN: Boy, I feel sorry for you ladies, having to deal with some of the other yahoos on this site. I mean, I'm looking at some of my "competitors" here, and it's really kind of pathetic. It seems like they're always trying to be funny and wacky, or whining about how they can't get dates from here, or writing stupid poems that they think are clever, I mean, what's a girl to do? Well, good thing for you that you found me, because, let's face it, it don't get much better than this. What are you looking for? I bet you've found it. Sense of humor? Got ya covered. Financial security? Do the words "1998 Chevy Prizm" mean anything to you? Yeah. Loyalty? Hey, you know you're the only one for me, whoever you are. I am all that, and a bag of Fritos Reduced-Sodium Corn Chips with Space-Aged Fat Substitute. Hell, yeah.

Rest assured, our date will be one of the primo romantic experiences of your life. Whether it's the gourmet meal, the candlelight, or the moonlight walk along the shore which blows you away, one can never tell, but it will no doubt be at least one, and possibly a combination of two, of those facets. This I guarantee. But it's up to you now. I'll be here. Grab the prize.

GOD'S CONDOLENCE PRIZE TO WOMEN: Umm, hey. I was just wondering if, you know, maybe you might wanna go do something? Sometime? It's okay if not, I was just asking, and stuff. I didn't think you would but... No, never mind. I mean... Sorry, I'm messing this up. Sorry. But like, I know this place we could go, maybe, you know, if you wanted. It's nice and all, I mean, they pick your tray up after you're done and everything, and they let you serve your own soft drinks and stuff, so you can get like, half Mountain Dew and half Dr. Pepper or whatever. But you probably don't want to. Sorry, I shouldn't have even asked, sorry about this, I just thought maybe you'd... never mind.

ME: Kind soul, looking for same.

Have fun. Oh, and: "Skydiving."