First thing I want you to do is scroll down and look at the chart. Go ahead, I'll wait here.

Checked it out? Good. That chart is the "result" of the very first week of the new Challenge. Pretty impressive results for ol' Clash there, ain't it? I mean, 17 pounds in one week! However, I think a little history is in order for you, the unsuspecting spectator:

• It was last Monday (3/18) that the challenge was reborn. Clash had bemoaned to me the fact that he'd spent all weekend eating way too much, and was starting to put on weight after being pretty good about fitness over the past month or two. The quote I received (and I want you all to read this and re-read it as many times as is necessary) was: "I've been holding it around 170 until this last weekend.". Hmm! Around 170, until the weekend. Interesting.

• I, myself, had been letting the old scale dial creep up there a tenth of a millimeter every day or so, and I didn't like to see that. That's when the bell went off. The Challenge! Both Clash and I have been putting on pounds, and now it was time to take them off again, with a friendly, fun-spirited competition! Now, to determine the starting points and the goals.

• My goal was still 185, from last year, and when I checked the scale that particular morning I was 202. A 17 pound difference. I remembered from the last Challenge that Clash's goal was 153, and if he was still "around 170", that's... 17! Hey! A perfect setup!

• Then Clash came forward and said, "Well, what with all the muscle I'm putting on from my workouts, 153 might be a little low." I'm okay with that, so I say, "What's the new goal?" He comes back with "160". Well, that's an admirable goal, but if he's already at 170, that's only a ten pound difference. Then I remember that he was "around 170" (which coulda been +/- 2 pounds, more likely "+"), and in recent history had taken to stuffing his face. I figured, if he was, say, 175, then I would just round off my weight to a flat 200, and we'd both have fifteen pounds to go.

• The next email I received was Clash confirming that, "Lookie there, 175!" So, on Monday, 3/18, Clash measured in at 175 pounds.

• It is now six days later.

• Go down and look at that chart again.

• Now, I'm a reasonable man. I like a good competition, and I accept both winning and losing gracefully. I spend a lot of my free time playing poker, and in the course of a poker game, one will have occasion to lose substantial sums of money to a quirky, unbelievable turn of a card. When that happens, I don't yell and scream and shout and pout, I just give up the cards, give up the cash, and say "nice hand".

• This, however, is not one of those times. I am filing a formal protest to the organizers of this contest (me) with regard to the so-called "outcome" represented below.

1. Clash misrepresented his initial weight. For instance, instead of being "around 170", plus a few pounds after his eating orgy, he was actually "around 170" the other way, like, 168 or so.

2. Clash's weighing conditions were inconsistent. Perhaps today he weighed himself naked (ugh) and after just getting up, whereas he weighed himself initially after eating an entire pizza and ten wings, and wearing a fur coat and a gold Rolex watch.

3. Clash is just a lying sack of crap who is so desperate for attention that he would stoop to engaging in a shameful, fraudulent course of action which in the end will irreparably damage not only his own reputation, but that of this entire website (and likely you, the reader).

I await your reaction to this shocking turn of events.

Clash responds:

Dear readers of Pinback's Web Central:

As you may have heard, there is a small controversy -- what you might call a "tempest in a teapot" -- concerning the Fatass Challenge. I am sorry it has come to this, and I'm especially sorry that you fine people have to endure this unfortunate dispute. My preference would have been to handle this quietly amongst gentlemen, but I guess that's not how things work around here. My mistake.

The human body weighs different...weights at different times during the day. In my personal experience, the body weighs the least first thing in the morning (well, not first thing. First thing you need to, ah, "unburden" yourself). It weighs different amounts, in my experience, during the middle of the day and then again at the end of the day. And, again, in my experience, the difference between the values can be significant, on the order of five or six pounds. I have a few theories to explain this, but whatever the reason, the fact remains that you weigh the least you're going to weigh on any given day in the morning. Not wanting to take unfair advantage of this quirk of nature, I asked Ben a few days ago if using one's weight first thing in the morning was acceptable. "Sure, that's what I'm going to do," is the response I got back.

Body weight also varies somewhat according to one's diet. Long-term habits will have large effects of course, but short-term habbits can also have effects. It's funny to think that what might have given birth to the entire Redux contest was the fact that, in one Friday night, I ate the following:

• 10 "Buffalo" chicken wings with ranch dressing;
• Three pieces "Greek Goddess" pizza;
• One half-loaf garlic bread;
• Something else fattening, but I forget what it is right now.

And over the course of the next two days, I finished off that pizza and also ate a ton of other stuff. I commented to Pinback about my excessive eating by way of a funny email between friends and, THEN, at this point, he proposed re-starting the contest. He knew I'd been stuffing my face the past couple of days. There's no unfair surprise here. So I weighed myself: 175. I was a little surprised to see the measure so high because I'd had been pretty steady at 170 in those days, but whatever.

As it turned out, after that one weekend, I got my diet back under control. And I also continued the legitimate aggressive weight-loss program I'd been following SINCE JANUARY 2 and, guess what? I lost weight! I'm not going to apologize for it. Yes, my weight as measured at the begining of the contest was abnormally high, but my opponent was well aware of that fact. And, yes, my weight as measured this morning was abnormally low. If I got on the scale right now, I'm sure I'd weigh more than 158. But here again, this is not something that was unknown to my worthy opponent, and it is not something to which he objected.

So I ask you, have I done wrong here? I freely admit that I took maximum advantage of the natural fluctuations in the weight of the human body. But I did so after fully discussing the matter with, and receiving clearance from, my worthy opponent. To me, the bottom line is this: When this contest was first proposed, I stood on the scale and weighed one hundred and seventy five pounds. This morning, I stood on the scale and weighed one hundred and fifty eight pounds. I think it's clear who won this contest.

I suppose if you're "hyper competitive," as some have described Ben, you have to grasp at anything you can to explain failure. I thought it was a friendy wager is all. I guess that's what I get for caring a bit too much.

Now, in addition to the above aesthetically pleasing graphic, we're going to "kick it up a notch" for Redux by providing, for as long as we can stand it, a recount of our daily intake! I presume this feature will be used primarily by gamblers who are looking to get a wager down for the next week's result.

Clash: 2 cups of coffee (with half-and-half), 2 two-for-a-dollar ($1) packs of peanuts, 6 Lagunitas Pils beers. And one heaping, helping load of shady, scandalous dishonesty.

Clash: 1 Italian Combo sub, 1 small bag salt-and-vinegar Kettle-brand potato chips, 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 2 Corona Extra beers, 2 Anchor Steam beers. Estimated calorie count: 15,000

Clash: 1 bran muffin, 2 nonfat lattes, 1 turkey/bacon/lettuce/tomato sandwich, 3 homemade Tollhouse cookies, 5 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales.

Clash: 1 bran muffin, 2 nonfat lattes (Jesus...), 1 very small piece of ahi tuna, 6 cheese "tortalonis", 1 salmon sandwich, 1 bottle primitivo Italian red wine.

Clash: 2 nonfat lattes (he's from San Francisco, see...), 1 "Italian chicken" sandwich, 1 bag of salt and vinegar potato chips (kettle chips), 1 bottle Monte Verde Californian Syrah.

Clash: 1 bran muffin, 1 pesto/cheese crepe, 2 homemade "Tollhouse(TM)" cookies, 4 "Budweiser(TM)"-brand beers. ("Some supermodel pussy" - Clash, but this is really inappropriate.)

1 (*) Yes, I realize that this is not scientifically accurate. Most of the weight I lost last year came out of my brain.

Rule Change: The original Challenge specified that were I (Pinback) to reach my goal first, Clash would have an additional six weeks to match or exceed my progress, since at the time, I had started six weeks earlier than he. This rule is now officially, publicly rescinded, so let's hear no more about this.

"I hope everyone here realizes that he's only making this unilateral change to the rules because I pointed out this problem for him. I do not accecpt this unconscionable revision to the rules of an ongoing contest, but, because I'm going to destroy him anyway, I won't make a big stink about it. But I reserve my right to do so at a later date." - Clash

"Is Apocalypse Now Redux a 'continuation' of Apocalypse Now? No. It's an entirely different movie altogether." - Pinback

"It's an entirely different movie." - Leslie Nielsen, Julie Haggarty