Pinback's Comments, Week 4

A lot of you (well, okay, none of you) are asking, "Hey, with all the fad diets and ridiculous marketing gimmicks going on, how have you managed to both avoid any of that nonsense, as well as lose significant amounts of weight in a relatively short time?" Well, I'll tell you. Here is how I am doing it:

• Drinking less alcohol. That is, drinking absolutely no alcohol, except in social situations. This is, of course, the worst part of this diet, but I'm sure I was averaging nearly 1000 calories a day at times. So that's 1000 fewer calories a day, which equals almost exactly two pounds a week. Except I DO have drinks in social situations (of which there are fortunately few), so that lowers the expectation, and 1000/day is a fairly high estimate, so at the end, let's say that's a pound a week. To make this work for you, of course, you have to start drinking very heavily for a long period of time, and then stop.

• Eating light. That is, lots of fruit (mainly apples), and 3/4 pound of Ralph's tuna salad for lunch. This is the basic daily diet. You can, of course, have a nice meal or two during the week when it's called for, but no more ordering pizzas, no double cheeseburgers, etc. Perhaps a 6-inch sub from Subway, with no mayo, cheese or oil. All told, the daily caloric intake on this diet rarely exceeds 1000 calories. Weight Watchers comes out with a new gimmick (sometimes "meal cards", sometimes "point-count systems", sometimes other obnoxious games) but in the end, it always ends up being a 1200 calorie daily diet. So, my system lets you lose weight 200 daily calories quicker.

• Exercise. 24 minutes on the stationary bike, 4-5 times a week. Should be 7 times a week, but I suck. The more exercise the better, of course, but I hate it, and even without it (or without much of it), I can still lose 2-3 pounds a week.

That's it. It works. Now, I will field questions from the audience.

"I was told that if I cut fat to less than 20 grams a day, no matter what I ate, I would lose weight just as fast."

You are an idiot. First of all, any diet that proclaims in any form whatsoever that you can "eat whatever you want, as long as..." is full of crap, unless the sentence ends, "...as long as you don't go over (x) calories in a day." Fat is irrelevant. Calories is what counts. One pound of fat stores 3600 calories of energy. That is all. That is it. Nothing else matters.

"Dr. Atkins says if we cut out the carbohydrates, we'll lose weight no matter what we eat."

You are an idiot. Carbohydrates are irrelevant. Calories is what counts. Marketeers can try to get around this fact, and are doing so quite successfully to the tune of billions of dollars every year, but you'll notice that nobody that goes on any of these diets ever loses any weight. You're all looking for a way around eating less, but you can't do it. You have to eat less, you grotesque ball of pork. You have to intake fewer calories. You have to stop eating potato chips and drinking Mountain Dew (unless it's Diet Mountain Dew, but Diet Mountain Dew is one of the worst soft drinks ever created.)

"Starving yourself isn't healthy, and you'll gain the weight back in the end."

You are a moron. First of all, this is not even close to a "starvation diet". This is eating a pretty decent amount of food, poundage-wise, but it's all low-calorie stuff. It's fruit, which is mostly water, and tuna, which is mostly tuna, and an occasional nice meal. I mean, last night I went to Houston's and had a prime rib. I'm telling you, on this diet, you can eat anything you want!! As far as putting it back on, I did a similar diet when I was 18 and lost 40 pounds in two months, weight which I kept off for seven years, until I got a girlfriend that liked to cook Hamburger Helper, but that's a whole psychological thing we don't need to go into right now.

"Do you find it difficult to write when the couple upstairs from you is having hard, noisy sex?"

Yes, very.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

Wrong. Your body knows what it needs. I'm never hungry in the morning. Hunger is your body's way of telling you it needs something. Not hungry, don't need anything. Shut up, and stop regurgitating all this mindless drivel you've been fed for years.

"You seem kind of nasty today, is this diet making you cranky?"

Hell yes.

Pinback's Comments, Week 5

This is what we call a "plateau". Plateaus make me want to vomit. And not in the good way, either.

Pinback's Comments, Week 6

For the second straight week, the scale showed 203 this morning, which is unfathomable to me, seeing as how I haven't altered anything from the first four weeks, and I'm even exercising more. Then I looked down and noticed that the scale spring had "ridden up" a bit, so I dialed it back down to zero and tried again. Progress. Still, this is painfully slow progress, for all the unpleasantness I'm putting up with.

Pinback's Trash-talkin', Week 6

You so fat, the back of yo neck look like a pack of hotdogs. Bow to the weight-losing machine that is myself, punk-ass beeyotch. Thank you.

Clash's Trash-talkin', Week 6

Um, so, YEAH, let's see who can lose some weight!

Pinback's Comments, Week 7

"I'm not the one you wanna contest, see, cuz I'll hit your ass like the train hit that bitch that got 'Banned From TV'..." - Random black person on the latest Eminem album.

Drawing untold inspiration from the fire of mortal combat, I went hardcore and old-school on my man this week, dropping nearly a pound a day. Method was, maxing out at 600 calories a day, and (slightly) increasing cardiovascular exercises. Today I will be enjoying a beer, however, so don't expect this kind of progress every week.

Clash's Comments, Week 7

You might be asking yourself, "what's your secret, Clash? How have you so effectively lost almost four pounds on this, the first week of this gripping contest?" My answer is, "Fuck if I know." As I carefully explained to Pinback earlier, I intended for this week to be what scientists call a "control." In other words, for this week, I did not vary my routine at all. I ate just as much (and just as badly), I drank more or less one bottle of wine per day, and I did not work out at all. And yet, as you can see by the professionally rendered chart, I am now well on my way to kicking Ben's ass. Now THIS week (which, for me, officially starts tomorrow), when I'll be dieting, Not drinking and working out like the athletic stud I am, well, let's just say that Pinback is in for a world of pain.

Pinback's Comments, Week 8

Just rolling right along. 10 more to go. My diet has now been modified slightly, so that for lunch, I have 4 ounces of beef jerky. Dinner (a big bowl of lettuce and some soup) has not been modified, except my grandmother gave me a bunch of oranges this week. But I finished all the oranges, so there'll be no more of that silliness until the end.

Clash's Comments, Week 8

I don't have any comments yet, but I promised Pinback that I'd write some tonight, so be sure to check back!

Pinback's Comments, Week 9

Well, I cheated a little this week, in that I didn't exercise, and instead of soup and salad for dinner, I had cheese and crackers, and instead of nothing, I had wine and Jack Daniels. (Not together, of course.) (Unless you count last night.) (Or Friday.) Fortunately, it didn't seem to matter.

Of greater import is the fact that I'm finally back in size 34 pants, which hasn't happened since my Hamburger Helper days in Florida. Aren't you happy for me? Yes, you are.

Clash's Comments, Week 9

I expected slightly better results this week, so I'm a little disappointed. I was busy as all get out at work last week, and, with all the stress and everything, I wasn't eating that much. But alas, I've only lost one pound. And I've been sitting on the couch eating pizza today and, as of about 15 minutes ago, drinking beer, so that's not an auspicious start. Plus, I'll be in DC later this week, so I may not be able to stick to my aggressive work-out schedule. Of course, if I were Pinback, I'd just spew some crap about my scale being uncalibrated, say my adjusted weight is actually 153 and declare myself the winner. But I'm Clash, not Pinback, so I'm not going to do that.