Author's Note: While most of these accounts are drawn from my actual life, this is by no means a work of non-fiction. Fact is intermingled with falsehood, events are taken out of context, embellished, expanded upon or, in numerous cases, created out of whole cloth. I'm not saying my life isn't this pathetic, I'm just saying I made a lot of this stuff up.

Well, I'm sure I'll get to these things. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying some of the most guilt-free slouching off I ever had at *any* job. I mean, I showed up for work today at 3:30, and left by 4:15. I did some quality work in that 45 minutes, don't get me wrong, but still. That's a nice schedule. And let me just consult the crystal ball here...let's just see...Will I Go To Work Tomorrow? Look at that. Straight, ladies and gentlemen, from the ball to you: "No."

There you have it. I will deal with some moving details tomorrow, though, don't worry. For one thing, I've decided what I'm going to do. And I'm very proud to say I'm announcing it here for the very first time, minutes after having made the decision (8:56 pm, PDT): I'm moving to Humboldt.

A: I really do think I want to move to a more rural environment, and Arcata gets me much closer to that. B: I'm not going to have a whole ton of money to work with, probably only a couple of thou, in fact, and I gotta figure my money's going to go a bit farther in Arcata (where a nice two-bedroom rents for $450) than it will here in the Bay Area (where a lousy efficiency rents for $1,700). C: my pals Coco and Cathy live up there in that general vicinity, so that's a good thing. D: eh, what the hell, right?

So there it is. I'm moving to Humboldt. If any of you happen to be in the neighborhood of 4504 West Street, Oakland, CA 94608 on Friday, May 31, and you have nothing better to do? How about helping me move! (Note to those of you whom I am already pressuring to help me move: I'm just saying this because I think it's funny, not to pressure you further.)

Larry -- I informed June that UC would like to ensure that you are paid through the end of May (as you requested). June has replied to my inquiry as follows:

Dear Richard,

Thanks for letting me know so quickly about Larry's intention to resign effective May 31, 2002. [Oh, he's going to be quick about that, June. You don't have to worry there.] There's no problem in paying him through May even if, for any reason, you (or he) decided to let him go sooner. [I love that part.]

With that cleared away, let's move forward. [Yes, let's.] Apart from assisting Karen with the BFS training [some computer thing], putting your files in order for transfer to Karen [yeah, right] , and cleaning up your office [i.e., removing my Simpsons merchandise], you are free to move ahead with your plans [my "plans" being taking essentially the entire month of May off and still getting paid for it].

I checked with June (who is a senior administrator at Boalt) to make sure I had things right. I said, "I can pretty much not show up at all during May and list the whole thing as 'sick leave' [of which I've accumulated a grand total of 394 hours], and no one's going to bust me and I'm going to get paid for the full month". She said, "Professor Morton told me he didn't have a problem with that, and I don't have a problem with that, so yes. It's your right to use your sick leave in this situation". Or course, it's not my "right" at all. In fact, I'm not allowed by UC policy to use sick leave in this situation, but never mind that. Two fairly high level people have now told me it's okay, so I like my chances of getting away with it.

Of course, it's not like I'm going skiing in Tahoe and getting paid for it or anything. I'm a busy guy this month. I do have to (a) pack all my stuff, (b) load it all in a truck, (c) move somewhere, and, if possible, (d) find some source of income. These things will take some time out of my hanging around time. But, nevertheless, I should have a very nice May. I'll finish up what I can this week and, except for a few "transition" days, that's pretty much going to do it for me at Cal. I can't say it has been a worthwhile five years, but I can say it has been five years.

I thought 2:30 was a good time to leave work today and go to the gym, so, at 2:30, I left work today and went to the gym. I enjoyed a nice workout and then a lovely walk home. The weather was a bit cooler and windier than you usually see this time of year. I don't know what the exact temperature was, but I'd guess somewhere around the low 60s. The sun was out most of the time though, and, as long as you were in the sun, it felt warm. You never get that kind of thing on the East Coast. On the East Coast, low 60s and windy is cold, even if the sun is out. Here, as long as you get some sun, it feels warm even down into the mid 50s.

Anyway, after my workout I walked home, stopping at the Berkeley Bowl to buy a (1.5l) bottle of wine and a "Chipolte Sauce Bean and Hummus Vegan Wrap". Laugh if you want, but this was actually quite tasty. Though, I have to say, one funny thing happened. The customers in front and in back of me had normal grocery store orders, like vegetables and fruit and cereal and milk and cat food and chips and OJ and that kind of stuff. But I had a 1.5-liter bottle of wine and a vegan bean wrap. And that's all, and that was funny to me so I said to the check-out guy, "that seems like a healthy lunch to you, right?" And he says to me, *totally* deadpan, "I don't know about that wrap". Oh man. That's great stuff.

The whole ride took me a little under three hours. Came home, showered, went out to Rockridge to eat, did NOT hit Barclays, and that's all the interesting things I have for today.

And that's about it. I went to dinner at my favorite little Italian place in Rockridge, came back home and then screwed around for the rest of the night.

Oh, I did send this email today concerning the terms of my resignation. I suppose I should record this here:

From: "Larry Trask"
To: "Richard S. Morton"
Sent: Saturday, April 27, 2002 11:43 AM
Subject: Re: My Status

>I should note, also, that my resignation is contingent on my receiving a
>full paycheck on [May] 31.

Dear Richard,

The more I think about this, the more I realize how critically important this issue is. I'm likely to be away from the office a good deal of May, between preparing to vacate my apartment on May 31 and searching for a new job. I don't have enough vacation time to cover the days I anticipate that I'll be away. I may have enough sick leave; my recollection is that I have more than a month's worth of sick leave banked, but I'll have to look at my time sheet when I'm in the office on Monday to verify that. However, even if I do have enough sick leave hours to cover my anticipated time away, I'm sure that UC policy forbids using sick leave for anything other than a bona fide illness, which, obviously, will not be the case here.

This leave me vulnerable to having my time sheet contested at the end of May. Give that my official last day would be May 31, and I may not know the amount of my final paycheck until midnight on the 31st, I would be in a very weak position to challenge any withholding of my pay. The irony of catching me up for the very transgression of which I first complained may be too much to resist.

I am in serious trouble if my May 31 paycheck is less than the full amount. I am therefore rescinding my notice of resignation until I am satisfied that there is no possibility that my final paycheck will be anything less than the full amount.

Though you may doubt this, I do not want to cause trouble here. I want May 31 to be my last day at BCLT, as I know you do. I have given notice on my apartment in anticipation of that being the case. Anything other than a full paycheck on May 31 is absolutely unacceptable to me, though, and I do not presently feel comfortable that I can count on receiving my full pay. I'd like you to respond to this. I will await your response (for a reasonable amount of time) before taking this matter up with anyone else at the law school.

Sincerely,

LT

That kind of says it all, doesn't it? I'll post his answer in this space.

Other than the excellent gym day and the above-quoted email, that's really it for today.

Anyway, so now the die is cast. I know one thing: May is going to be a good month as far as going to work is concerned. If I'm smart, I'll go in next week and just bust ass to finish or hand off my remaining projects and then spend the month of May concentrating on figuring out what I'm going to do now, and then doing it. I'll be moving somewhere, certainly. I guess I'm going to have to do some advance-planning, because I'll bet the truck rental agencies are going to want to know where I plan to drop off the truck.

I went out for a good run during the afternoon and also did other exercises when I got home, so this was a good workout day, capping a good workout week. After that, I took a shower and went out to eat at an "upscale" Mexican restaurant. I had a couple of cuba libres while waiting at the bar and reading my poker book, and then had dinner. I have to say, yuppie though it was, my small meats were excellent.

And there's not too much to report after that. Drank something beechwood aged and played a little cards. Tomorrow's the first day of the rest of my life, though, so you'll want to check in then.

Ok, with that out of the way, let's get to the events of the day: There were none.

I decided to take a little time away from the office today, so I didn't go in. After I woke up at 11:00, I walked to the United States Post Office in Emeryville to pick up a package my parents had sent me (containing a snow globe from Anna Maria Island in Florida!) and then went to lunch (Philly cheesteak). Then I walked back home.

I pretty much spent the rest of the day fretting about the Monica Situation, which is just really stupid because there is no Monica Situation, but you know how I am. A bottle of wine was opened round about 7:30, at which time I started playing online poker. (Up 320 fake dollars so far!) And that's it.

So I got through all that relatively unscathed, dicked around at work for a while and then I hit the gym. After my workout, I showered and headed over to this little dart bar I like to call "Barclay's". I went there to see if a girl named "Monica" was going to show up. Perhaps a little background is in order:

As you know, I have enjoyed some recent success in the realm of amour, so I decided yesterday to give it another try. Not wanting to "mess with success", I went back to Barclay's to see what was up. Sure enough, toward the end of the evening, I met a nice young lady (Monica) who was very cute and played a fair game of darts. There was a little bit of flirting going on, and she said some encouraging things to me, so I had formed the opinion that, like all intelligent ladies, Monica thought I was pretty bitchin. Now, her approach was far more subtle than was Erica's, but still, I thought something was on, so I figured I'd show up tonight and see what happened.

And I did. Show up, that is. And I hung around playing darts for a while, and then I hung around playing darts a bit longer, and then I hung around even longer. I hung around for more than five hours, in fact, but Monica didn't show. My darts were decent, though. I had actual opponents for most of the night, which was good. They play a weird variant on cricket here where, in addition to all the standard cricket numbers, you also have to hit three doubles, three triples and three 3-in-a-beds. We used to call this game "Burma Road" in DC, but here they call the game "cricket". They don't understand that what they play at Barclay's is not standard cricket (or "real cricket" as I was referring to it). Well, whatever, they were nice guys, even if they are a bit confused as to the standard rules of darts. I think I've found a friendly dart crowd to hang around with, which is an excellent development. A not-so-excellent development was that my mission seemed to be a failure. "Oh well," I thought, "she was probably busy tonight or wanted to wait two days or something".

So I'm standing there playing darts with this guy named Dave at about midnight (some five hours after having arrived at the bar) and Dave, looking out the window, says, "damn, Monica looks pissed". "How's that?" I say. And he says, "Monica just looked down in here and she looked like she was really fucking pissed at something."

Hmm. "Monica" looked pissed. I said, "what does this Monica look like?" "Monica?" he says, and then he describes a girl who sounds a lot like the Monica I know. "Did she just walk by, or was she in the bar?" I wanted to know. "Well...." He seemed a bit confused. "Well, I mean, she was here all night. She's a waitress here and she was working tonight".

We can all laugh about it now. It would seem my little Monica was in the bar for the entire period I was there, and I never noticed her. I didn't know she worked there, you see. I wasn't paying very much attention to what was going on elsewhere in the room beyond the dart board. I just figured at some point Monica would show up, and -- being the dart babe that she is -- she'd come to the board. And then she'd start flirting with me again. Turns out no.

So now, of course, I have to reevaluate everything. I may not have seen her tonight, but she certainly saw me. One: she was there all night; Two: she plays darts; Three: she knows all those dart guys (as I found out in the post-midnight hours); so there's no way she's not going to look over at the boards from time to time. She saw me, and yet she said nothing at all to me, the whole night. This is not the behavior of a girl with whom it is on. So, perhaps, just maybe, it might be the case that hubris got the better of me yesterday and lovely Monica was not, in fact, trying to entice me with her wily ways. Is my face red.

When I finally stirred at around 11:00, I found this email waiting for me:

From: "Richard S. Morton"
To: "Laurence Trask"
Sent: Monday, April 22, 2002 9:51 AM
Subject: Please let me know when you are available to meet

Dear Larry,

I would like to meet with you to discuss your status with BCLT. Please let me know when you are available.

Thanks,
Richard

Rut row. My "status with BCLT"? There's nothing about that phrasing that sounds good to me. So the meeting is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:00, which seems a little on the early side for something like this, but I didn't feel I was in a position to negotiate. And, actually, the truth is I don't know what's up. I expect him to say something like, "anytime you want to get the fuck out of here is fine with me," or maybe something more direct like, "get the fuck out of here by Friday", but I don't know for sure. I guess we'll both find out tomorrow morning. (And, when I say "both", I mean you and me.)

For a change, today I made good use of my day off. I took a bike ride up to Inspiration Point (in Tilden Park) and back. What a beautiful view from up there. I was just there not too long ago, but for some reason, it seemed like it took me way less time to get up today. Probably I just imagined it.

One cool thing happened: I was riding through Berkeley heading for the street that takes you up into the hills, and, as I approach Oxford and Virginia, there's a deer calmly walking across the road. He gets halfway across and then changes his mind, walks back form where he came, and then starts meandering down the sidewalk. It was the freakiest thing. This is the middle of residential Berkeley, now. It's not as urban as, say, the Mission District, but it's not suburban either (let alone rural). There are deer up in the hills and you see them from time to time, but not usually so far down in the flats, and they're never so mellow as this guy was. That's an excellent thing to see, I think, on a sunny day like today

I have to say I do feel great from my ride, once again. I'm getting pretty strong, which is very satisfying, and it's a beautiful route and a beautiful day, so that all adds up to some good feeling. Know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a shower and then go play some darts at Barclay's. Let's just see how it goes this time. (I'll post an update if there's anything to mention.)

Update 11:37 pm:  Nothing in particular to report. I played darts by myself for a while. A long while, really; about two hours. Then some people came along and I played a few games with them. I shot pretty well. But that's really all there is. Check back in with you tomorrow.

After screwing around for a while and wondering what to do, I took the advice of a good friend and got out of the house for a bit. I went on a bike ride to Alameda, which is a circuit I've done many times before. It's a good ride because there are long stretches where you can just ride. In many places around here, you have to stop for intersections or stupid cars or whatever, so you can't get a really good ride in. Not so with the Alameda course, which is why I like it.

When I got home, I was feeling so good from my bike ride, I decided to hit the town. I felt like dinner out anyway, and it's Saturday night and all, so I ventured off into the "Rockridge" section of Oakland. Unfortunately, there's really not much to report about this part of the evening, so I should end this column here.

Oh, well, what the hay, I've been kind of short-changing you lately, so I guess I'll just go ahead and hit the "high-lights" of my "fabulous" evening out:

• Walked to Rockridge.
• Decided to go to the bar "Barclay's" because they have many good beers on draught and also two dart boards.
• Drank a couple of beers and played darts by myself for 20 minutes or so.
• Said "yes" when girl asked me if she could play.
• Played darts with girl.
• Said, "Nice games [referring to darts]! Well, I'm getting kind of hungry. Say, would you like to grab a bite with me?"
• Played it cool when she said, "yes".
• Had nice meal.
• Accepted ride home from my dinner companion.
• Had sex. (Click here for details. Twenty-one or older, please)
• Wrote this column.

This isn't getting boring or anything, is it?

Anyway, here's what I did today:

• Woke up
• Went to work
• Did very little work
• Submitted two more applications for jobs in Humboldt (I have now sent off six job applications. Let me summarize here the response I've received thus far with respect to those applications:    )
• Skipped my workout and went straight home
• Opened a bottle of wine
• Started playing online poker

And that's where I'm at right now.

After work I went to the gym. Decent workout. Then I came home, drank white wine and played online poker for the rest of the night.

With respect to this latter item, though, I should say this: WOOOOOO! Nice job Tiger! I'm a big Tiger Woods fan, so I was very happy to see him pick up another green jacket. It's funny, but a lot of people compare me to Tiger Woods. Not in golf skill, obviously, but I look somewhat like him and I do a lot of endorsement work for Nike. Oh, and I'm also dating a Swedish model, but that's really more of a coincidence.

We got home in the late afternoon, and drank a few beers while watching taped coverage of The Masters golf tournament. Then my lovely guest made a DELICIOUS exotic foreign meal and some other stuff happened but I was slightly drunk and now I don't remember it.

I walked home (on a beautiful spring day here in Berkeley, I should note), and then cleaned my apartment in anticipation of a guest who's coming up for the weekend from LA. My guest has been annoyingly difficult to pin down as to his arrival time, so I figured I'd better get home early in case he showed up at, you know, 4:00 or something.

So I got out of having to meet about budget and all that stuff, which is great. I spent the bulk of the day revising the report, dealing with some other minor issues, and leaving early.

Off to the gym, of course, and then not too much else to report.

After that, I just went to the gym and then wasted the rest of the evening as is my wont.

I did go to work today, you'll be happy to know. But, aside from one very productive meeting with the accountant guy, I really didn't do much work. You'd think I would work on that financial report, wouldn't you? Because it's due in a couple of days. But, no, I really didn't get to that. Mostly I screwed around and chatted with people (which really wasn't my fault because these people just kept showing up), did a small bit of unrelated financial stuff, and got caught up on alt.drugs.pot.

Having put in a full day, I took off at 5:30 and hit the gym. Not a good workout today. I was pretty low energy, for one thing, but I was also uncharacteristically weak. For example, usually I can get through two and a half sets of curls on the 50lb barbell without any problem. Today, however, I couldn't get through one set. Very odd. I have a slight suspicion that the 50 lb barbells in the two different rooms in the gym are actually not both 50 lb. In the smaller gym, I can blaze through the curls, but in the larger gym, it's occasionally a struggle. And I'm using the exact same type of barbell in each gym -- the kind with the bolted-on plates -- and they're both labeled "50 lb". I think I'll conduct a scientific study of this my next few times at the gym.

And that's it. Came home after the gym and screwed around, not doing anything of any value. Sure hope I get to that financial report tomorrow.

Other than the work, I didn't do much today. Played some guitar, drank some Miller High Life beers (the champagne of beers), and...well, actually, and nothing. That's all I did.

I've been shipping a lot of books lately at work. This "center" I work for has one publication, a book about patent law, which we sell, and I've gotten an unusually large number of orders lately. I'm proud to say that, today, I shipped 28 books to 20 different customers. All this packing and taping of boxes made me remember my old high school job working in the warehouse at Pyramid Paper, Inc., in Tampa, Fla. It was a great job, working there in the warehouse. Everyone was always joking around all the time and we all pretty much liked each other, we'd get free cases of beer from the trucking companies who wanted our business, there were several (4) hot secretaries who worked in the office, but would come to our break room when we were, you know, on break (they loved us, too! We were the muscular and manly blue collar guys), and you got to drive a fork lift (or, as we called it, a "tow motor"). And the work was pretty satisfying, too. This was a pretty busy warehouse, so there was a constant stream of work; new stock coming in, orders going out, like that. So you'd clock-in in the morning, do your work (while having fun and playing practical jokes on each other, etc.), "forget" to clock out for lunch (but take a 1.5-hour lunch during which beers were usually consumed), come back and do more fun work and then clock out. At the end of the week you pick up a nice paycheck (warehouse workers do very well). Not too shabby.

Oh, so, yeah, not too much happened today. I spent a lot of time talking to Samantha. She just got engaged over the weekend, which is obviously a very happy and exciting event for her, but also one that fills her with terror and dread. So she had a few things to go over. I got a free lunch out of the deal (and discovered a great new menu item at the Boalt cafe: Caesar salad with strips of grilled salmon. Yum.), so I'm not complaining. It was nice to spend so much time with her, actually. I always liked Samantha, and I continue to.

Nada mucho mas, I'm afraid. I went to the gym, came home, and that's where I am right now, as I write these words.

I went to work today for the first time in more than a week. It sucked.